A Generous Pour

Samantha

2008-09-17T21:58:00.001-07:00

I know this blog has turned into a brag book about my nieces and nephews, but seriously how gorgeous is this kid?

That is Samantha; Larry and Michele's little girl. I don't know her as well as I probably should, but I hear she is wicked precocious. She kind of looks like she knows it, too. I hope that confidence sticks with her throughout her teens (which is years away). But it's a time in a girl's life when you have to hold onto your self esteem with a vice-like grip. Oh, and in your late 30's, too.

It's Been Way Too Long...

2008-09-06T14:14:00.000-07:00

Since my last post. I've never worked this hard in my life. Gary Unmarried is the (new) name of the show I'm working on. It premieres on Wednesday, September 24th at 8:30pm. Please watch it so I know these 70+ hour work weeks are not for nothing.

In the meantime, everyone else has been enjoying the last days of summer; no one less than my brother, Chris, and his family. Here is a shot from his summer vacation on Squam Lake. It's pictures like these that make me think: Am I working to live or living to work. Seems like the latter. I wanna jump like a mad woman off a rock.

Oh, and that's my niece, Devin, with him. She's 11. Even in her crouched jumping position you can tell she's a tall girl. I called today to see what size show she take (her birthday is in a few days and I love buying her shoes) and apparently she's a women's 9! Wow! That's one size less than me.

Paul's New Yorker Piece

2008-07-23T09:02:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't posted in a while and posting someone else's work shouldn't really count as a post but I wanted to make sure everyone reads Uncle Ball's new piece in The New Yorker because there are some jokes in here that made me laugh out loud.

Shouts & Murmurs

Stump Speech

by Paul Simms July 28, 2008

Ladies and gentlemen, as I’ve campaigned across this great country of ours, one of my greatest pleasures has been meeting all the wonderful Americans whose voices are so rarely heard—and whose stories are so rarely told.

I’m thinking of the young woman I met in Texahoma, Texas: a single mother who has three full-time jobs—but no health insurance. Or the young man I met in Oklatexa, Oklahoma, who has tons and tons of health insurance—but no job. I’ll never forget the look in that young man’s eye when he said to me, “Also, I’m single, and I’d like to meet a woman who already has children and who preferably lives in an adjoining state.”

These are the moments when you realize that the current system has failed us, and that there’s absolutely nothing you can do to help.

I’m thinking of married couples like Jim and Sheila R., of Fort Injun, Wyoming. Jim has spent most of his fifty years laboring manually in a pebble mine. And Sheila—without any government aid—has started a foundation to enlighten Americans about the putative value of hand-mined pebbles. But despite a banner sales year, during which they sold almost six sacks of their artisanal-quality hand-mined pebbles, they still haven’t been able to scrape together enough money to buy a last name.

I’m talking about people like the wonderful Mexican gentleman I met in Hilltop Hollow, Arizona, who, when I told him of my great affection for the country of Mexico, looked me in the eye and said, “Yo soy de Nicaragua.” Which reminded me how I’ve always thought that one of the most beautiful languages in the whole world is Mexican.

Or the young man who walked up to me after a speech in Townville, South Dakota. He handed me a 1923 silver dollar and said, “This coin used to belong to my father. It was his prize possession. But I want you to have it now. And I want you to carry it with you on your travels from state to state.” And, as I was thanking him, this young man looked me right in the eye and said, “Actually, I stole it from my father five minutes ago. He’s standing right over there. No—don’t look, don’t look. Be cool. Maintain. Just put it in your pocket. I’ll be in touch.” And with that he walked away.

I’m talking about the young man—a boy, really; he couldn’t have been more than eleven or twelve years old—whom I met in an online game of Halo, who said to me, “Headshot! Suck it! Pwned! Be less gay!,” after he had killed me by camping a respawn point, which really should be illegal.

I’m talking about the mother of five in Badhampton, New York, who told me, “Between getting the kids up at 5 A.M. for gymnastics practice, then driving them to school, then taking the dogs to the vet, then picking up the kids after school and taking them to gymnastics meets, then feeding the dogs, then putting the kids to bed, then walking the dogs, then waking the kids and the dogs up for midnight gymnastics practice, I still worry that I’ll never realize my dream of assembling the world’s most awesome dogs-plus-humans gymnastics troupe.”

I’m talking about the middle-aged man from Monterey, California—a Mr. Sammy Hagar—who told me, “I can’t drive fifty-five.” To tell the truth, I never had the good fortune to meet Sammy face to face, but we did have a long and fruitful one-way conversation through my car stereo one night during a Classic Rock Block.

I’m thinking and talking about a man I met in New Carsmell, Vermont, before my campaign even began. He had inherited from his step-uncle, after much legal wrangling, the family diner. I remember as if it were yesterday asking this man for a ham-and-cheese sandwich. And he made me one. But, before he served it to me, he smooshed it down in this hot-presser thing that sort of looked like a copy machine. So, when it was done, the sandwich was like a flattened-out grilled cheese with ham, which the man claimed was an Italian delicacy. That thing was delicious. I can’t remember right now what it’s called, but more and more places are starting to serve them, so, if you ever get the chance to have one, definitely try it. I think it might have been called a “pannioli” or something. Something Italian-sounding.

But I digress.

What I’m really trying to talk about on this great occasion is women like your mother, whose decades-long struggle with morbid obesity has earned her much renown in the urban folklore of our great land. That’s right—your mother: a woman who is said to be so fat that, when she sat down on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday got bounced into the middle of next week. If I could, I would give her a medal, even though she would probably eat it, thinking there’s chocolate inside.

As I conclude my remarks here tonight, I can’t help but think of whichever one of you it was in the audience who sarcastically applauded when I said “As I conclude my remarks” a few seconds ago. It’s easier to tear down than to build up, Ma’am. And I call you “Ma’am” with the full knowledge that you’re probably actually a guy, because I just got you back.

You know, when I began this campaign, people said I was crazy. They said it couldn’t be done. They said that no one, in the entire history of American politics, had ever mounted and run and, God willing, won a national campaign to be elected King of Prussia. They said that King of Prussia is not really an elected office. They said that King of Prussia is just the funny name of a town in Pennsylvania. They said that when most people hear the phrase “King of Prussia” they think of the famous mall there, and not of the governmental position that apparently does not exist.

Well, maybe they’re right.

O.K., that’s the part where you’re all supposed to yell, “No!”

Nothing? No one?

Whatever. Fine. I’ll be in the food court if anyone wants to sign my petition or have a photo op or buy me a Burrito Supreme. ♦

August Grimstad

2008-07-07T22:32:00.000-07:00

When you hear the name August Grimstad you probably picture an old man in a Dickens novel who tortures kittens and orphans. Or perhaps a professor who droned on and on while you daydreamed about your unrequited high school love who went to a better college. Well, in a true case of a book not being judged by it's cover, will the real August Grimstad please stand up:
GUS!! If that face doesn't scream Gus, I don't know what does. I can't wait 'til he's old enough to drink with. That little dude looks like a good time.

My Third Career

2008-07-05T17:30:00.000-07:00

Nate and Ivy have been here for a little more than a week. When they arrived, Nate's hair was huge. One of my favorite things to do when the kids come to visit is to cut Nate's hair. I gave him my specialty -- the number two, then cleaned up his edges with my fancy new Tweezerman scissors. They were very sharp so my lovely assistant, Ivy, held Nato's ears down so they didn't end up on the floor with the rest of his hair.

I didn't take a before picture but I did take an after:
Nate doesn't like this picture (he's holding the broom) but I think it shows my skills better than his choice:
Ginger thinks I did an awesome job.

And one last picture of Nate's fallen soldiers which we later tried to glue to Sam's head.

For Russ

2008-07-03T22:56:00.000-07:00

This is for my friend, Russ ,who moved to Portland last week and doesn't have TV yet. I wanted to post something he could watch 1000 times over until the cable man comes. Here you go, Russ. I hope you love your new life.

New Job

2008-06-23T07:43:00.000-07:00

I started my new job last week on Project Gary. (We're trying to figure out a better name for the show but I got nothing.) Life on a big network show is living. Now I know what all the fuss is about.

More to come...

The Other Larry Bean

2008-06-16T10:32:00.001-07:00

When the link to the Herald article didn't work, Kerri googled Larry's name. She found the other Larry Bean.
If you're looking for "clean" entertainment, apparently, Larry's your man. Go to Bean Magic for more details.

Big News in Boston

2008-06-15T11:52:00.000-07:00

My brother Larry made the Boston Herald! And look at this picture! WTF!! I thought I got the looks in the family. Apparently I'll have to settle for the brains.

Here's the article:

Larry Bean knows luxury.

So Boston Common magazine wasted no time in scooping up the former editor-in-chief of the Robb Report - the authority on the likes of the filthy rich.

When the Robb Report relocated its editorial operations from Acton to Malibu, Calif., where its corporate offices are based, Bean could have followed but chose to stay in Boston.

Boston Common Publisher Glen Kelley said it was an opportunity to pick up a “great player” and has hired Bean as his glossy magazine’s editor-at-large.

“We’re able to bring in an editor that already understands luxury lifestyle magazines,” Kelley said yesterday. “That’s something that is very unique.”

Bean, who started at Boston Common last week, will be working with Executive Editor Terri Stanley, who joined the publication in 2006 from Scene magazine, now North End Scene.

A Somerville native, Bean is a Harvard graduate who had worked at the Robb Report since 1998.

Kelley said he views Bean’s hire as “adding to the strength of the team.”

“As Larry is more and more involved, he’ll end up putting his personal stamp on there too, which is true for all editorial staff,” Kelley said.

For now, Bean is learning the ropes. “It’s a little bit of a learning curve for me,” Bean said.

Stanley also said Bean’s experience is a good opportunity for Boston Common, which publishes six times a year.

Stanley said she’s looking forward to collaborating with somebody who understands luxury lifestyles as well as the magazine’s concept and can help her “shape” the magazine.”

Cool, right?

Vito Check In

2008-06-13T10:49:00.000-07:00

Michael Udesky took this picture on Wednesday night. I like it for two reasons: I just had my hair did and I'm holding the shaker just right - making me look skinnier than I actually am.

I'm going in tonight for my third night in a row. Last night things got pretty raucous at the bar. The Lakers/Celtics game was on the tiny TV behind the bar directly above the cooler which holds all the martini glasses that I always seem to need at pivotal points in the game. Being that it was a very intense game 3, the noise level was at an all time high. With about 2 minutes left in the game, the TV shut off. Naturally everyone starts screaming at me like I did something. I looked around for the remote but couldn't find it. Finally, George, the lovable but extremely gruff waiter, comes behind the bar with the remote and says in a very thick Latino accent, "I want everyone to shut the f*ck up! It's too loud in here and this is a family f*cking restaurant. You don't stop screaming, I turn it off for good! Jesus f*cking Christ!" He then puts the TV back on and walks away.

Good ol' George. A true wordsmith.

A List To Catch Us Up To Speed

2008-06-10T12:16:00.000-07:00

Since my last post I:

Have been to New York.
Watched my step daughter play Lacrosse.
Wished I could’ve played Lacrosse.
Cheered step-daughter on in the stands with my husband’s ex-wife in the pouring rain.
Accepted a ride home from ex-wife.
Spend a couple hours lost in car with step-daughter, ex-wife and ex-wife's boyfriend.
Spent $700 to get back to Los Angeles early for a job interview.
Got fired from The Game.
Delayed my trip to Boston for a day to have second interview for job.
Flew to Boston on a three hour delayed red-eye.
Took the water shuttle from airport to downtown Boston - so cool.
Heard rumors that I got hired on new show.
Couldn't get my agent to tell me if I got hired on new show.
Ate at Kelly's Roast Beef.
Got heartburn from the onion rings.
Finally found out I got hired on Project Gary.
Drove to Vermont for Rick the Pickle Man's wedding.
Was told by my husband not to wear the totally unflattering muu-muu (think Maude) to WASPy pre-wedding cook-out barn party.
Cried over being fat.
Cried more over not knowing what to wear to WASPy pre-wedding cook-out barn party.
Sucked it up knowing husband was right.
Attended my first wedding officiated by a female priest.
Partied with my step-kids at reception.
Chatted with my husband’s ex-wife at reception.
Watched my husband deftly avoid all contact with his ex-wife at reception.
Asked ex-wife's boyfriend what he did for a living, didn't understand what he said, finished cupcake and walked away.
Drove Back to Boston.
Was mean to my mother whom love more than anything else in the world.
Walked for miles along the Charles River with my husband. So beautiful.
Flew Back to L.A.
Gave up on losing weight.
Had a two day hangover.
Considered quitting Vito.
Reconsidered quitting Vito.
Had Hagie the dog groomer shave Mabel.
Think I love Mabel more due to her new haircut.
Cut my forehead open stocking Pellegrino at the bar.
Considered quitting Vito again.
Reconsidered quitting Vito again.
Have tried to think of story ideas for new show.
Have decided my head is an empty vessel good for nothing except banging against cabinet doors.
Made this list.

Computer Down

2008-05-23T11:04:00.000-07:00

My computer is the shop. I won't have it back until next week. So until them I am stealing time on Sam's computer. Posting will be very sparse. So I guess what I'm trying to say is: there'll be no change at all.

Quickie

2008-05-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

I am not weighing in today as I just got back from NYC last night and ate my head off while I was there. I will, however, give a review later of all the restaurants I went to with Paul, the NY Foodie, and of Ivy's lacrosse game.

Weigh In Week 4

2008-05-13T09:11:00.000-07:00

0

Holding steady at the 3 pound weight loss. Yes, I would have enjoyed holding steady at the 5 pound weight loss but it just wasn't in the cards.

Working all weekend at Vito has definitely been a challenge to the diet. Between drinking sink slop and eating a bite of everyone's plate, I'm doing unnecessary damage to the diet. A mouthful of Fettuccine Burino here and taste of Veal Meatball there adds up. When it was just Saturday night it I could work off whatever went down the gullet in a couple of days, but 3 nights in a row both weekends has got me behind the big fat 8 ball.

The only thing keeping my spirits up is that I know my body is firming up a bit with my "Walking With Weights" (copyright to come) workout. My upper body feels stronger and tighter. I'm up to 100 reps with the 5 pound weights. It may be time to kick it up to 7 pounds.

Weigh In Week 3

2008-05-06T09:53:00.000-07:00

+2.

Yep, you read it right. I just had to rip the band-aid off quick and say it. I'm not too upset by it because I knew the gain was happening last night when I ate nachos made with ground bison (yuck), drank two pomegranate lime margaritas, and a row of Now & Laters. (Still the greatest candy ever made but you have to get the ones made in Mexico not in the US. The US ones are just lame and chewy like taffy the whole time. The Mexico ones are hard and crunch now and soft and chewy later -- the way God intended it.) The worse part of the night came when I finished the Now & Laters and was still hungry. The bison on the nachos tasted gamy to me so I could only eat the outside cheesy bits. So what did I do? I marched downstairs and did the unexplainable -- I made two hot dogs. HOT DOGS??!!! Yep, two delicious, salty Boar's Head hot dogs with all the fixings. I felt sick halfway through the first one and managed a bite of the second before I gave up.

Two pounds is a blessing after reviewing last night's menu. That and the fact that it's lady business time; I feel like I kind of got off easy.

Mapping My Workout

2008-05-02T13:15:00.000-07:00

My friend Russ directed me to a website called Map My Run. Just point and click on their map where you went and it tells you how many miles you logged. Delicious.

2.86 miles doesn't seem like a lot but it's all hills. Here's a map for those of you playing along at home.
Ashland Hills
Find more Runs in Santa Monica, California

Working Out For Weigh Ins

2008-05-01T14:45:00.000-07:00

I know this matters to no one but me but I feel the need to post my workouts. Inspired by my friend Stacey, I have decided to do all my working out in the outdoors -- without instructors. When you look at how much money a year you spend for spin class or a circuit training class, when there's nothing new you're learning there, it's a stupid investment. The only thing those classes really provide you with is a place to show up to and strangers to work out with. So with that in mind I've been trying to incorporate a new workout regimen into my life. It's easier now that I'm officially done with work. (The Game wrap party is tonight -- whether me or the show get asked back for a third season is in question.)

My latest thing has been to walk the hills of Ocean Park (my Santa Monica neighborhood) with 5 pound weights doing constant reps with my upper body. I did this once along the Charles River with Kitty and could barely move my arms the next day. I know from all my Pilates classes that constant reps with small weights are the way to tone and not build muscle. So knowing that while keeping my heart rate elevates on the hills has turned into my walk into an excellent workout. The only downside is I look like a crazy person. (Pictures to come.)

Yesterday I waled from my house on 2nd Street to 17th Street. Not sure of the mileage -- have to clock it in the car someday. I walked up and down the hills for 1 hour. My heart rate (Yes, I wear a heart rate monitor and there are people out there who hate my attachment to it -- Maura -- but too bad. I love assigning numbers to my workout.) I was "in zone" (meaning not to low, and not too high) for 00:20:57. My average heart rate was 172 ( I used to train for marathons at 155 - 160, so I'm working pretty hard on these hills.). My maximum heart rate was 194 (Yikes, almost died on that one.). And the total number of calories burned for that hour was 782 (Think a bottle of wine.).

All and all a good day.

Weigh In Week 2

2008-04-29T18:52:00.000-07:00

To be consistent (and to give myself an extra day to try and shake off the sillies from the weekend), I have moved my weigh -ins to Tuesday. I stepped on the scale this morning to find my self...(drum roll)...

-2 lbs!

That puts the two week total at 5 lbs. Not bad, not bad at all.

Weigh In Week 1

2008-04-22T08:35:00.000-07:00

Our guests left at the crack this morning so I was able to weigh in.

-3lbs.

Not bad considering Sam and I took our guests out last night for Mexican food and margaritas. I went easy on the chips knowing I had a showdown with the scale today. However, I didn't fare so well in the margarita battle which continued on after the restaurant in my living room while we played Texas Hold 'Em. But being that I'm at minus 3, I can't complain. In fact, I'll drink to that!

Weigh In Postponed

2008-04-21T17:29:00.000-07:00

I'm not trying to dodge the weigh-in, it's just we have guests staying with us and the scale is in their bathroom. They leave tomorrow so I hop on then.

Overall I think I've had a decent week. I ate well, I worked out some but, man oh man, did I fall off the wagon over the weekend. Maura and I went to Vegas and you know how they say, What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? Well, that's true. Except for the bloat you put on while sitting by the pool all day drinking mojitos and eating nachos. I'm pretty sure that weight comes home from Vegas with you. We'll find out tomorrow.

One Reason To Love L.A.

2008-04-15T16:47:00.000-07:00

It was absolutely gorgeous here this weekend. I think it was 90 degrees at the beach. On Saturday morning, I couldn't find my spin shoes and by the time I did, it was too late to go to Spin class. So I decided to get on my bike and do it the old fashioned way.

I needed to replicate the awesome work-out I get when I spin so just sticking to the bike path wasn't going to work. (On a beautiful weekend every weekend warrior asshole and his kid is out there swerving all over the place -- dangerous and annoying.) I decided to take the path up to Temescal Canyon and figure it out from there.

I took a right at the first light on Temescal and made my way through the Pacific Palisades. I was unfamiliar with the neighborhood but knew if I stuck to making only rights I would be nearest to the streets that hang over the PCH and the ocean. This is what I found:
And that's taken with my cell phone! Just when you think you've had enough of Los Angeles you find a little gem of a bike ride like the one I found on Saturday. So beautiful.

Maximum Density

2008-04-14T12:38:00.000-07:00

I'm at it. For real. I have been living in the fast lane, burning candles at both ends for too long. I'm not taking proper care of myself and it shows. Big time. I'm going to be 40 in 9 months and there is no way I'm going to be fat and forty.

I had this idea in December to do a project here on the blog called "12 to 40." For twelve months I would document my progress of trying to get in decent shape by the time I turned 40. Pictures and all. Then I realized that posting pictures of myself in my underwear is something no one wants to see. Especially now. I will, however, track my progress at trying to lose twenty pounds here without pictures.

I've found that the only way I succeed at losing weight is when I am accountable somewhere - weighing in once a week sucks but it works. So last night, I put new batteries in the scale, took my head out of the sand and saw the truth. HORRIFYING!

Starting today, each and every Monday I will post my loss or, God forbid, my gain.

And no, I'm not posting my starting weight. But if you need to get an idea, just go out and weigh the nearest trash dumpster. It's about the same. Wish me luck.

Best Toast Ever!

2008-04-12T09:27:00.000-07:00

The ceremony was, as Al said in his comment, legendary, but the toast given by Nate was truly the highlight of the evening. Spider caught most of it.

The Best Wedding Ever!

2008-04-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

Seriously, it was. I didn't have a videographer (is that a word?) at our wedding. Had I known what Maura had in store for us, I might have wanted to capture it on film because our wedding has gone down in history as the funniest ceremony ever. In fact, it was ripped off by a famous showrunner when he officiated a ceremony months later. We know he ripped it off because he did exactly what Maura did and that groom's brother was a guest at our wedding. No hard feelings. Anymore.

Spider caught what he could on his camera. Here you go.

Happy Anniversary, Husband!

2008-04-10T10:41:00.000-07:00

Today is Sam's and my wedding anniversary. Apparently, flowers are the proper gift for a 4th anniversary because they represent the blossoming partnership as a couple. Blossoming, just blossoming?! What the hell's been going on for the past 4 years then? A loose association? Is it in full bloom in 8 years and then falls off and dies? I don't like the sound of any of this so I think I'll stick to normal presents that mean something to me. Like the Major League Baseball package on Direct TV. Now Sam can watch all 100+ Red Sox games. And if you know Sam, you know the one thing he really loves is sports. Sports!

We are very lucky to be remembered by our parents on our special day. My mother hooked us up with a lovely bouquet. Look:

While Vard and Ruth laced us with some green for a fancy dinner. Awesome.

It's gonna be a good day.

April Fool's Day

2008-04-01T09:51:00.000-07:00

Do people still "do" April Fool's Day? I always hated this day. I was never clever enough to come up with something good and always afraid of falling for something stupid. Only once was I impressed by an April Fool's trick.

The trick was played on the Keating twins who were my classmates from 4th to 8th grade at St. Catherine's. Their mother was super cool. I think she had 5 boys. She was often lunch-mother for our class and never raised her voice (unlike my grandmother who was a lunch-mother and never stopped screaming at us). Anyway the twins were notorious for having the best snacks and desserts. To trade with one of the Keating boys you had to be holding something pretty great. One year, Mrs. Keating packed the regular awesome lunch for the her boys -- pb & j's with Oreo cookie chasers. Unbeknownst to them, Mrs. K had scraped out all the creamy filling of the twins' cookies and replaced it with toothpaste. The twins bit in and nearly puked. So cool.

Another TV Debut

2008-03-31T09:02:00.001-07:00

Seems Prince Bunny Rabbit Tricks Are For Kids Bean Johnson Esquire is not the only Bean getting into show business. My brother Chris has been working the ropes, literally, at the Winchester Community Theater's production of Peter Pan. Apparently the people behind the scenes wanted to blow it all out this year and actually have Peter fly. It's great in theory until you realize some poor bastard has to be behind the scenes to make those little f*ckers fly. Here are the backstage magicians being interviewed. (It's 40 seconds in.)
Please note that it is a huge HUGE deal to be interviewed by Joyce Kulhawik. Or as Kay would call her Joycekul Hawik. Either way works.

Bunny's TV Debut

2008-03-27T18:12:00.000-07:00

It's been a big week here on The Game. First with The Six Million Dollar Man and now with Bunny making his screen debut. He and I will be "atmosphere" in the exterior street scene we are shooting tonight.

Bunny has been very patient. His call time was 10am and his won't shoot his scene until 8pm tonight.

He waited in my office all day.

If anyone gets any crazy emails from me, you'll know who was messing around on my computer.

Easter '08

2008-03-27T14:21:00.000-07:00

Every year for about the past 4 or 5 years Sam & I have spend Easter with the Groels. We did so again this year and, as always, it was awesome. Delicious food, terrific cocktails, an Easter egg hunt -- all of it a blast. This year the Easter egg hunt was a little easier than usual only because we really only had one kid hunting. And he was 19 months old. Basically we just threw the eggs in a pile on the ground under the kid's nose. He was awful cute picking up the eggs, opening them and handing me the chocolate inside. (Good boy.)

I did however miss what sounds like a stupendous Easter in Boston. Along with all the usual suspects: Chris, Colleen, Devin, Hayden, Larry, Garret and Samantha; were Jimmy, his wife Cathy, their granddaughter Alexis and a couple of dogs. (Michelle was in New York again so she missed out. Please click on the link to your right named Scenes From A Notebook to read about her adventures in NYC.) It sounded like chaos when I called. The best kind of chaos. People crammed into my mother's tiny kitchen trying to help her prepare while they get a load on. Good times.

Here's a picture of my nieces Samantha and Devin and my great niece Alexis. (GREAT NIECE?! You got to be f*cking kidding me.)
It seems impossible that these three girls are related, doesn't it? I love that Alexis wants no part of that hat. She's all, "You can drag my little butt all the way up here to Boston but don't be clowning me with your silly lids." I so wish I was there to meet her.

Steve Austin

2008-03-26T10:44:00.000-07:00

Lee Majors, aka Steve Austin, aka The Six Million Dollar Man is in my episode which we are shooting today. Obviously he's a much older man now, but he definitely seems much older than his 69 years. He's had so many chemical peels that his lower eyelids look like they are melting. That said, he's a nice man who really does try hard. Today when he messed up a take the director yelled, "Where would you like to take it from?" He came back with, "From my trailer." Still a quick wit.

However a few takes later when the camera was turned around on Mr. Majors, the actor who was in the scene with him was trying to play around and ad-libbed the line, "F*ck you, Lee Majors." The quick wit was thrown for a loop. He just blinked a few times like an old man who had just been slapped. Silence fell like a freezing cold blanket of snow over the whole stage. It was awkward to say the least.

If you're gonna say "F*ck you, Lee Majors" it needed to be said to the man when he looked like this:

Not this:

StepDogger Scores 2050 On SATs

2008-03-25T13:12:00.001-07:00

Yes, you read that right. Out of a possible score of 2400, my brilliant stepdaughter scored a 2050. I believe that score provides excellent argument for the nurture vs nature debate. Obviously my nurturing gave her those brains. If she had to go simply of nature and heredity who knows what kind of lowball score she would have gotten. Those two generations of Yalie blood coursing through her veins got nothing on me and what I've taught her about the streets. In fact I think the new section on the test is all about street smarts. I just wish they had that section on the test when I took it. I might have done better than a 790. And that's with the 200 points they give you just for getting your name right.

444 Redux

2008-03-20T11:45:00.001-07:00

Okay, so I thought that by writing about 444, I could shake it's steely hold on me. I was wrong.

This morning we table read my latest Game script. (A table read is when all the actors, producers, director, network executives, etc sit around a large table and listen the script being read out loud.) Anyway, we table read my script and it went very well. All the emotional highs and lows (it's a very dramatic sitcom) were on point and the jokes funny. The one big problem was that the script was a little long. Four minutes and forty four seconds long to be exact!

Weird.

StepDogger Takes The SATs.

2008-03-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

A few weekends ago my step-daughter, Ivy (Dogs or Dogger), took the SATs. If I remember correctly, when I took them the highest you could get was like 1600 or something. Now a perfect score is 2400. More test, more to get wrong.

I asked Dogs what the essay question was. She said she was asked to debate whether or not groups or organizations are successful when individuals pursue their own hopes and wishes. I told her I would have said that, yeah, organizations like, say, a volleyball team or something, are successful when the individual players use specific dreams/goals of personal success towards a greater (team) win.

Not bad for an answer on the fly when walking into a bar. I popped my collar and listened to what she had to say.

Apparently Dogger had other ideas. Her answer was that they were most successful and cited Abraham Lincoln following his much more radical hope than the rest of the Republican party and making the party be the most successful than its ever been and Reverend Hooper from Nathaniel Hawthorne's the Minister's Black Veil who followed his own wishes instead of just sticking to the church's.

Yeah, that's good, too.

The Latest Bean Addition

2008-03-14T11:24:00.000-07:00

My brother Jimmy is a grandfather AGAIN! Here is a picture of Alexis, his daughter Jamie's baby. Don't you want to take a bite out of her?

I Want One.

2008-03-12T10:02:00.001-07:00

Not So Generous Pour?

2008-03-12T09:40:00.000-07:00

Well, it finally happened, Vito got hip to the ways of the drinking world and bought new martini glasses for the bar. The switcheroo from a 9 ounce to a 7 ounce glass happened the weekend I took off. At first, I couldn't figure out what the problem was. I kept over pouring my first few cocktails and then I realized: This f*cker is smaller. Mary, my co-tender, confirmed my suspicions. One morning Roberto, Vito's cheap brother, sneaked into the bar and replaced all the martini glasses in the freezer. (I wonder if he did this before or after he filled all the premium vodka bottles with the cheap stuff?)

My first thought was; is this my fault? Are me and my friends burning through so much vodka that a measly two ounces will make a difference? (When I pour for friends and family I use the good stuff -- I know which bottles are filled with rubbing alcohol and which are the real deal.)
Then I realized, yes, it is our fault but not for that reason.

Almost no one (except my friends) orders more than one martini because they are so huge. By making the glasses a little smaller, people are more likely to order a second. In trying to figure out how to get the rest of the restaurant to drink the way my friends drink, they needed to shrink the drink. A shrewd business move to milk the lightweights. I'm proud to say my friends have set the pace at Vito.

Bully Tactics

2008-03-11T16:16:00.000-07:00

I've been asked politely (and not so politely, STACEY!) to start posting again. I know I've been incommunicato for a while and I apologize. I believe I am truly suffering from writer's block. You should see that state of the pilot I should be working on but that's another story.

Today, two things inspired me to post again:

1) On stage, the script supervisor, Ellen, writes down little inspirational sayings and tapes them to her rolling podium. Today's was: "Discipline is the bridge between goals and accomplishments." I swear to god that little card was right behind me every time I turned around. I've had no discipline since going back to work. Just last week I started to incorporate working-out into my life again. And that's something I NEVER let lapse. Being back to work since the strike has been a difficult transition. The hours are long and when I do get home, I need to be a wife of some sort so I let things, important things, like writing, fall to the wayside. But I can't do that anymore. I might have to give up my nightly games of Scrabulous with Sam and Uncle Balls. (If you don't know what Scrabulous is, don't Google it. You'll lose hours of your life.)

2) The thing that really pushed me over the edge, though, was this email from my brother Chris.

Extinction occurs when a behavior (response) that had previously been reinforced is no longer effective. In the Skinner box experiment, this is the rat pushing the lever and being rewarded with a food pellet several times, and then pushing the lever again and never receiving a food pellet again. Eventually the rat would cease pushing the lever.

Post to your blog

I'm so grateful that people care about this blog and I will do my best to honor your loyalty.

p.s. Stacey, I ain't scared of you.

Hilarious

2008-02-26T10:05:00.000-08:00

Not sure if any of you watched the Sarah Silverman video I posted here a while ago. (Yeah, I know everything was a while ago because I haven't posted in forever - but that's a discussion for another time.) Anyway, this is the video response Jimmy Kimmel had to Sarah's "Im F*ing Matt Damon" video. Stick with it. It's hysterical.

It's Over

2008-02-12T19:22:00.000-08:00

The Writer's Guild strike is over. Today the membership voted unanimously to go back to work. As much as I need the paycheck, I will really miss this weird time. I told Sam today after I cast my vote to lift "the restraining order" (that's what they call a strike in the Constitution apparently), it was one of the best times of my life.

I know I bitched about it while it was happening but I met some great people on that picket line. It's amazing what 3 hours of walking in circles can do for a friendship.

I report back to The Game tomorrow at 10am. It seems impossible. I pouted about it today but I need to shake out the sillies and realize that I am one of the luckiest motherf*er's on Earth. A lot of people aren't going back to work tomorrow and I should count my lucky stars that I'm not one of them.

How's that for a positive attitude?

For Patriots' Fan

2008-02-11T10:11:00.000-08:00

Ron Weiner's Ode to the Patriots

Rick - The Pickle Man

2008-02-10T15:15:00.000-08:00

As a lot of you know, Rick of Rick's Picks (aka The Pickle Man) stayed with me & Sam this week. He was in town because his delicious product is being carried by Whole Foods now and he had to do some in store demos for the Los Angeles crowd. Rick is an eccentric dude who spent years as a television director doing, among other things, those totally addictive 100 Greatest Video shows. He then got sick of the business and decided to follow his passion: pickles. I'm not exaggerating when I say I can't open a jar of Windy City Wasabeans without eating every last green bean. (Uncle Balls can attest to that. I eat all of his every time I stay with him in New York.)

Anyway, I'm proud to say I can now buy these awesome snacks at my local Whole Foods. (But you can get them online, too. Awesome Valentine's Day pressie. I'm just saying...)

Here's some video of Rick on Martha Stewart. Oh, and did I mention how awesome the Smokra is? Today I re-purposed (Rick's word, not mine) the brine from the Smokra to make some ass-kicking pinto beans to add to my Huevos Rancheros. Delish. But I'll let Rick tell it.

Rick & Martha make some Phat Beets

Add to My Profile | More Videos

LOST

2008-02-08T11:12:00.000-08:00

If you read any of the comments that are posted to my entries, you might have noticed someone named Meredith complaining that I haven't blogged about this season of LOST. You see, Meredith worked on the show this season. Yes, she got to live for 6 months in Hawaii coordinating one of the best shows on TV. It sounds all glamorous and whatnot until you ask her how she liked Hawaii and you realize that she saw not one inch of it. She pretty much never left the production office. It was grueling work -- long, long hours and wicked amounts of organizing, hand-holding, and track covering.

I can see all that hard work on the screen. I really can. LOST is a very complex, ambitious production. It's why I love to watch it. That said, I'm a little disappointed this year. I'm lost. I don't really understand what's going on. I also can't stand when things aren't logically connecting and "supernatural" becomes an element (or a crutch?). Once you go all sci-fi on my ass, anything can happen. Some people love this aspect of the show, I don't. I need things to make sense in order to feel connected to the story. But rest assured, I am not giving up on the show. I still love it. I'm just waiting for the light to go off in my head and I understand it all.

I interviewed for LOST once. It was before it ever aired and I was writing drama with a partner, Stephanie. Stephanie and I were scheduled to meet Damon Lindelof the Friday before Memorial Day weekend which is traditionally the last day of hiring season.

When you go on these meetings, you usually wait about a half hour to be seen. Not this time, I was shown right into Lindelof's office. Problem was, Stephanie wasn't with me. She was running late. So for about fifteen minutes (which of course felt like 6 hours) I entertained this little dude with as many stories as possible. In these kinds of meetings you can usually trot out a Paul Simms/NewsRadio/Crazy Hours story and people lap it up. Dude wasn't buying my schtick. I think the thing that really turned him on me was the fact that I was about a foot taller and a hundred pounds heavier than him. I felt like a monster when I was shaking his hand.

Anyway, after doing the song and dance bit, Stephanie finally showed up. Like always, Steph and I had talked previously about what we would say when we got into the room. She liked the pilot much more than I did and had lots to say. My only stipulation was that she not mention the polar bears. I didn't get that part of the show. It was a little too supernatural for me. If we got on the topic of the bears, I wasn't sure how I was gonna fake my way through that part of the interview. So what happens? Steph walks in, shakes Lindelof's hand, sits beside me on the couch and I immediately jump in with, "So what's the deal with the fucking polar bears?"

End of interview. End of partnership. End of drama writing career.

The Face Pose

2008-02-04T19:34:00.001-08:00

Awhile ago I posted this picture: It's the "chin-down, eyes-up" pose that guarantees lovely bone structure and optimum thin face in a photo. Everyone always makes fun of me for doing it. Thats what my mother and Colleen are doing in this picture -- making fun of me. I always take the ribbing in stride because I know how bad things can go in a photo when you don't prepare.

Take a look when I'm caught off guard:

Awful. Simply awful. I look like I just got caught off guard hopping off the short bus. Take your chances, ladies, but I know of what I speak.

Carrot Cake

2008-02-04T19:11:00.000-08:00

I used to only love chocolate desserts. Now, as I get older, I'm finding a palate for other sweet things. The weekend before last when I went away to Tahoe, we made carrot cake from scratch for Kathy's birthday. I wasn't as jazzed as everyone else was about the cooking project (and it was a project -- we nearly burned down the log cabin cooking it), but in the end, I think I ate most of the cake. It was out of this world. It was the richest, densest thing I have ever eaten in my life. I ate a huge piece after dinner and then polished a few more pieces off the next day for breakfast. I wouldn't normally admit to that kind of compulsive eating but there is evidence of me doing so. With an accomplice.
Happy belated birthday, Kath.

p.s As I look at the picture more closely I see that it was taken at 12:04pm. Then it was lunch not breakfast and that makes everything okay.

I Love Sarah Silverman

2008-02-01T11:00:00.000-08:00

I do. And it makes me crazy that I do because I pride myself on not really liking other woman. But she's so funny she's like a dude.

Stacey sent me this clip of Sarah Silverman singing a song on Jimmy Kimmel. Stick with it even if you're not a fan of hers.

Step Monster

2008-01-31T13:01:00.001-08:00

That has to be the title of the show since that is what my step kids call me. I'm touched by the thought people have given my request and I appreciate the free ideas. My biggest problem is how do I get the kids in the same house as the stepmother. I know this seems like a totally easy thing to do but since I need to be able to write from my own experience to make it real, I need the living situation thing solved. Or maybe I don't. Long distance step-mothering? Communicating via IM, video conferencing and blog? Maybe I just keep the kids in the same city as the stepmother and not worry about being in the same house. Some times getting together when we are in the same city is just as hard as getting together when we are separated by a country.

(Having reread this post about 10 times it seems like same city, different town is the way to go. Then you can still incorporate all the technology if you wanted. You don't need to be all that separated to IM. Sam & I have video-conferenced one another from different floors of the house. But the city/suburb thing seems like a direct rip-off of the 1998 Julia Roberts/Susan Sarandon classic, StepMom? ** I'm not being ironic. I love that movie and I will watch it anytime it's on. Sort of the way I will watch Bridget Jones or Die Hard over and over again.)

Anyway, I know this is all a little boring and I apologize for trying to work something out on the blogosphere. I should probably just go back to doing my "Morning Pages" (from The Artist's Way) instead of treating my blog like a brainstorming session. But, come on, what else you got to do today?

Blogger's Block

2008-01-30T21:02:00.000-08:00

I've had a bit of blogger's block this week. Before I left for my weekend in Tahoe, I linked all y'all to my sister-in -law Michelle's blog. The things she writes about and the way she writes has blocked me a bit. I was so impressed by what she had done in a quarter of the time I've have had this blog, I was intimidated. Then I became blocked. Everything I wanted to write about seemed stupid and then I realized that I couldn't even remember the stupid things I wanted to write about.

On top of that, I went away this weekend with my friend who is also my agent. Like any good saleswoman, she pushes me to write something. In order to sell me, I need to give her something to sell. She wants a show about me being a step-mother. My problem is that I don't really feel like a stepmother. I feel like a really cool aunt. I'm not part of the kids' everyday life. Which is normal since they live in Brooklyn.

I've told Ivy I need her help with this and she is totally on board. She is acutely aware of all the teen angst around her and is always willing to offer it up. (Proper discretion is always practiced -- so I'm not putting you on blast, Dogger.) Problem is, I don't know what the story is if these kids aren't in your life everyday. I see them grow in tremendous increments because I don't seem them so often but it's the excruciating, day-to-day details of that heart ache that make a show great. (Think: My So Called Life.)

My point is: anyone who has any thoughts or ideas, please comment. Or tomorrow I'm gonna start posting my character breakdowns for my show based on my experience at Vito. (Think Cheers set in a cheesy Italian restaurant. Sells itself, right?)

Tahoe

2008-01-25T09:35:00.000-08:00

I'm off for the weekend. Going to Lake Tahoe with a group of girls for a ski weekend. (Yes, another all expense paid ski weekend. No, I don't know why your friends aren't paying for you to fly all over the country to ski. Ask them.) Only problem is, I can't ski. I threw my back out on Monday lifting a case of Concannon Cabernet Sauvignon at Vito. Kerri has given me a shot of anti-inflammatory in the ass twice this week. It helps but I'm still not right.

I look forward to sitting in the log cabin all day on Saturday while everyone else skis. Maybe I'll even write something. Maybe not.

Plugging Another Blog

2008-01-24T17:56:00.000-08:00

My sister in law Michelle has decided to enter the blogosphere. (I know she just read that and regurgitated her coffee -- or martini, depending on the time of day.)

She started the blog as an exercise to write everyday. Some entries are straight up writing chores (you can play along at home and do them, too -- she explains the exercise at the end of each entry) and others are just funny (really funny) glimpses into her life.

Be sure to read her entries entitled "Guilty Pleasures 1-4." Here's the link to Michelle's blog:

Scenes From A Notebook

Portrait of the Birthday Boy

2008-01-24T12:35:00.000-08:00

Michelle was kind enough to send me a new photo of Larry. This picture is from Garrett's birthday party not Larry's which if you look closely you can tell from Larry's seemingly forced smile. My guess is that he's having a nice time posing with his kids but really, he can't wait to get out of where ever they were so he can go home and watch SportsCenter.

Happy Birthday, Larry!

2008-01-23T16:00:00.000-08:00

Today is my brother Larry's birthday. I don't know how old he is. 44 maybe? I never remember my brothers' birthdays (as I posted about once before) but my brother Jimmy commented on my 4:44 post and sent along a birthday message to Larry with the comment. (Thanks for the heads up, Jim.)

I know Larry doesn't really read my blog because as he told his wife, he reads enough unedited material everyday. (He didn't say this about my blog but about his wife's blog which by the way is awesome and if she allows me I will put up a link to it here. What says you, Michelle?)

I couldn't find a picture of him that I haven't already posted so instead I will throw up some pictures of his children celebrating Garrett's 6th birthday.

Happy Birthday, Larry!

4:44

2008-01-22T12:26:00.000-08:00

For years now I've seen 4:44 on the clock. Night or day, I inevitably look at the clock when it's 4:44. The haunting of 4:44 has progressed beyond just digital clocks, it has now spread into house numbers and license plates. It's even been passed down a generation. Ivy now sees it all the time, too. She'll often call me just to tell me it's 4:44. I've been waiting for years to figure out it's significance. I'm hoping that Pami's baby being born at 4:44 is the end of the cycle. As I told Pami, maybe it was Gus that I was waiting for all this time.

The whole 4:44 thing began when I was in 8th grade. The boys in my class started saying "four forty four" to each other and then they would proceed to laugh their asses off. This, of course, drove the girls in the class crazy because we had no idea what it meant and assumed it had something to do with us. When the boys realized this was driving us crazy, they just increased it's usage -- working overtime to work it into their already lame conversations. The girls retaliated by claiming 2:22 as their own which I thought that was totally lame, but I didn't have a better pitch for Joanne Sallese (unofficial 8th grade girls' spokeswoman mainly because she had huge boobs and it gave her a confidence none of us had, yet).

It wasn't until Mark Gillis (or was it Mark Olivieri?) yelled "four forty four" out-loud in the middle of Ms. Meade's math class that the tried and true catchphrase was finally put to rest. The boys were not allowed to ever say it again. If they were heard saying "four forty four," they could count on detention. With the steam taken out of the phrase, Mark Olivieri (or was it Mark Gillis?) finally told me what it meant: The boys in my class had a sleepover and apparently Marc Rodney woke all of them up at 4:44am by farting incredibly loudly.

And that was the day I learned then that nothing boys talk about or laugh about ever has anything to do with girls.

Introducing August Amiram Grimstad!

2008-01-19T12:40:00.000-08:00

For about a month now I have had a picture of my friend Pami on my laptop. In the picture she's about 7 months pregnant. I wanted to post about how great I thought it was that she was going to be a mother. She had had a hard year and having a baby is something she's wanted for as long as I've know her. (Which is about 15 years now.) Of course, I got lazy and didn't post. But on Wednesday, Pami had her baby so I thought in honor of August Amiram Grimstad's birth, I thought I'd show his before and after pictures!

BEFORE:

AFTER:

Is it me or is that little dude actually smiling?!

SIDE NOTE TO DOGGER: August was born at 4:44!!!! Can you believe that?!

Computer Down

2008-01-18T10:20:00.000-08:00

My computer broke the other day when I was trying to download a version of Scrabbulous in order to play Scrabble online against Paul. Now my computer won't open any version of an Internet browser. I'm dying. I was in the middle of an awesome post about our skiing trip -- dynamic pix and all when the little f*cker finally shit the bed for good. It's in the shop now. I thought I had loaded all my pictures onto a jumpdrive before I brought it into the shop, but of course, I managed to put everything else on the jump drive except my pictures. So frustrating.

So my awesome ski trip post will have to wait. As will all other posts until I get my computer back.

I'm on Sam's laptop now and I can feel him giving the back of my head the hairy eyeball as he waits.

Tlapazola 1 - Ellen Bean 0

2008-01-14T20:58:00.001-08:00

My mother came out the Saturday after Christmas and stayed for a week. I think she had a really good time. My mother is always game for anything so it doesn't really matter what I plan for her, she's happy to do it.

But one day I took her by surprise. Sam, Elzo and I were poking around for second-hand skiing gear for our impending trip to Park City. My mother loves to go to thrift stores so I knew she'd be down for the task. We didn't find anything. (We were looking for suspenders to hold up the oldy-time ski pants I had bought him.) As a reward for our unsuccessful bargain hunting, my mother and I went to a lunch at Tlapazola Grill.

The little dudes who work there know me. I often come in alone before I go in for my shift at Vito. I have their delicious salad and their even more delicious, bowl-size margarita. Lately this one waiter, Ambroscio, has taken to bringing me a second (smaller) margarita and then whether or not I finish that drink, he brings me a shot of some sort of almond-y, tequila-ish after dinner liqueur. It's too much and I have been able to stop the last shot from happening but not the day I brought my mother there for lunch.

Ambroscio pulled out all the stops for Elzo-- salsa fresca with out asking, margaritas, dessert and no just one but TWO after dinner liqueurs. My mother was stuffed to the gills and a little tipsy. I took her home so we could rest up and get ready for the dinner party we were expected to go to that night.

My mother never made it to the dinner party. Here's a picture of her after her lunch at Tlapazola.

Tlapazola 1 - Elzo 0

Park City, Utah.

2008-01-11T18:12:00.001-08:00

As I mentioned Sam & I were treated to a trip to Park City for Sam's friend Eric's birthday. The long weekend was a present to Eric from his wife Dottie. I not sure how we lucked out but we did. I love my generous, rich friends. It was living. I'm telling you.

Eric and Dottie snowboarded while Sam & I stayed on skis. Those guys are better athletes than us so we would take the lifts up together and then separate (us, green circles - them, blue squares). We would meet again at the bottom. A couple of these paths intersected before we hit the bottom which enabled Eric to get this picture of me skiing.

I look like I'm standing still on a perfectly flat run but to my memory I was motoring down that super steep hill like Suzy Chapstick.

Back On The Line

2008-01-11T12:32:00.000-08:00

Well, Sam and I were back on the line this week after a very, very long break from picketing. It was a WGA imposed hiatus from December 17th to January 7th. (And a skiing in Utah imposed one after that.) I think the WGA board members figured that since every single studio head is out of town for all that time, walking in circles in front of their offices would be futile. And in reality, the only place a picket line would really have an impact on those guys during the holidays would have been outside the Four Seasons in Maui.

Sony Studios, the location Sam and I had become very comfortable with, has been closed down as a picketing location and all writers have been redirected to Fox Studios. Not sure why they decided not to continue picketing Sony but Sam has a theory that I agree with: Now that the WGA is trying to make deals with smaller independent producers (like Letterman's Worldwide Pants or Tom Cruise's UA), they'd like Sony to agree to one of those contracts. Taking the heat off Sony by removing the picketing writers might be an olive branch to try and get negotiations started. Just a theory but a smart one.

Anyway, Fox is a totally different vibe. It's what I imagine being brought up to the major league from the minor's feels like. It's much bigger, more crowded and the competition is fierce. As I may have mentioned before, what I liked about Sony Gate 2 was that it was a small crowd of about 9 men. And me. Just the way I like it. I could roll out of bed, jump on the bike and start marching once I got there. To go to Fox I actually had to put make-up on. There are so many people there that I know, I can't possibly strike in my pajamas and still hold my head high. Don't even get me started about all the other chicks there...

So in honor of the glory days at Sony Gate 2, I bring to you a photo of our last day on the line there.

From left to right: half of someone, Wally Wolodarsky, Michael Oates Palmer, Lew Schneider, Matthew Carlson, Mike Schiff, Chris Ord, Sam, Bill I-forget-his-last-name, Rick Groel and me.

100th Post!

2008-01-10T23:54:00.000-08:00

I know I haven't posted since I turned 39 but I have been busy entertaining my mother and skiing in Utah. I have lots of pictures of both adventures to show you, but in honor of my 100th post I'd like to share a little something my brother Chris created in his free time.

I don't think my husband has ever been sexier.

test

2007-12-30T14:28:00.000-08:00

Just figuring out how to post video. Here we go:

Not very interesting.

I Love the Potentail of a Full Martini

2007-12-26T16:46:00.000-08:00

I was sitting on my couch trying to decide whether or not to read my book or to post. As I tried to figure out which to do I looked over at the coffee table and saw the full martini I had poured a few minutes earlier. I thought to myself, damn I love the potential of a full martini. (I'm sure many an AA speech has started the same way.)

A full martini means the night can go either way. It can be just that one and then onto making dinner and having a cozy night in with Sam watching some boob tube. Or it can mean; Holy Shit! This is a delicious slippery slope, do you think I could find someone who wants to go out and have 16 more of these with me?

It's hard when you feel like you're on vacation even though you're really on strike. However, being that we aren't picketing, I am kind of on vacation. But since it's been a partying kind of few days with Christmas and all, I think I'll stick to my one martini maximum. Being the lone martini of the evening only enhances my potential for savoring every drop.

Tomorrow Sam and I are traveling to Hollister Ranch to visit our friend Eric, his wife Dottie and their son Evan. It's a remote, gorgeous area on the coast, north of Santa Barbara. There's no internet so I won't be blogging for the next couple of days. We return on Saturday when my mother flies in from Boston. On Sunday I'm having a little open house to celebrate my mother's arrival and my birthday. It's a jam packed rest of the week that I'll be sure to document with my new camera.

I need a minute to sit down and post about our Christmas Day World Class Yankee Swap Party at the Groels'. I'm not kidding when I say it was one of the best Christmas Days I've had in 10 years.

Christmas Eve

2007-12-24T16:07:00.000-08:00

It's Christmas Eve and instead of gathering 'round the beef tenderloin at my brother Chris' house, I am 3000 miles away, sitting in my living room, sipping a Mexican coffee (tequila & Kahlua & lowfat whipped cream out of the can from Trader Joe's). I'm getting ready to work my first Christmas Eve shift at Vito. It's supposed to be crazy busy there tonight. My guess is there will be a wicked rush early and then everyone will be home and in bed with visions of the Fettucini Burino (cream sauce, mushrooms, peas & pancetta) dancing in their heads. At least that's what I'm hoping for because I don't want to leave my husband alone for too long on Christmas Eve. Sam will, of course, come up for part of my shift but I don't expect him to stay too long because he'll have visions of his Wii dancing in his head. Yep, you heard me right, Sam got a Wii for Christmas from Uncle Balls. Nate and Ivy are gonna be so jealous!

Last night Uncle Balls and his girlfriend Beth came over and showered us with presents. In true Bean/Johnson form, we had nothing to give them. We actually did get Paul a present it just hasn't come yet. He got us some incredibly thoughtful gifts: a Wii, Bumble & Bumble Surf Spray for my hair (for that just-stepped-off-the-beach look), an awesome pair of fancy khakis for Sam, and a camera for me! We got Paul a full body unitard with a hood that looks like this:

My old camera died. Just stopped working. I took it someplace and they said water had gotten in it and the inside was all rusted. This was really bad news as buying a new camera now with the strike and all seemed like a frivolous investment even though I like pictures to be the driving force behind this blog. I had been relying on my Treo for all my pictures or on the kindness of others with I know was growing old. But Paul totally saved me. He loves electronics and buys a new camera about every three weeks. He parted with one of his old favorites and I couldn't be happier. So at last I present to you a couple of pictures from last night's Giftfest 2007.

Sam opens his Wii.

Paul, Beth and Kerri watch Sam open his Wii accessories.

Sam and Paul both looking happy. This is minutes before Paul drops the Wii on Sam. He knows how hard it's gonna rock Sam's world hence his ear to ear smile. I don't think I've ever seen Paul look this happy and he should, he gave us one of our best Christmases yet.

I miss my family and my usual Christmas traditions but it's nice to shake it up a little as well. Merry Christmas!

The Drink That Never Dies.

2007-12-21T13:42:00.000-08:00

I'm referring to the Brandy Alexander, of course! Pam, friend to my sister-in-law Michelle and hopeful matchmaker to my cousin Paul, finally had the fabled Brandy Alexander. Apparently there is this doctor at Harvard Medical School who has been kicking off his holiday season with a Brandy Alexander party for the past several years. Here's Pam account of her first taste of heaven.

So yesterday, I finally got to try the storied Brandy Alexander. As mixed by Dr. Arky, longtime faculty member at Harvard Medical School, this nog-like cocktail consisted of light creme de cacao, brandy (about 3:1), whipping cream, and a sprinkling of nutmeg. On a snowy day it was a festive and delicious way to blow off work, and a tradition Dr. Arky has observed since he was a resident at Boston City Hospital, in the year ought-something. Attached is a picture of Dr. Arky and my friend Jean happily contemplating the upcoming holiday break, and more Brandy Alexanders...

That dude looks like he makes a bad ass Brandy A. And Jean looks like she might make a bad ass date for my cousin Paul. Developing....

No More Sony

2007-12-20T11:16:00.000-08:00

One thing we found out at Monday's Strike Rally was that the WGA has decided to consolidate the picketing. Instead of being spread thin in the New Year, all writers will focus on picketing at just a few studios. I don't know if this is because the numbers on the line are dropping or because there is no more production happening. (I heard on NPR yesterday that there are only 2 television shows still in production and one of them ends on Friday.) Either way, it's with a heavy heart that I bid adieu to Sony Gate 2. I will miss all the boys who held down the 6am - 9am shift with me. It was like having eight new boyfriends, my husband included. This line really taught me a few things about myself; the most important being that I like being the only woman in the crowd. So to the men of Sony Gate 2, I say thank you! Thank you for keeping me honest and keeping other women away.

Here are a few more pictures from the line. If there had to be a soundtrack to these photos it would be "Racing In The Streets" by Bruce Springsteen off his greatest album Darkness On The Edge Of Town. My favorite album in 7th grade. My brother Chris won tickets to see Bruce at the Boston Garden that year and took his girlfriend Gina instead of me. I'm still mad at him for that. Anyway, we discussed a lot of Springsteen on the line due to the return Sirius' E Street Radio. Good times.

Cue music:

Me & Lew ponder life on the line.

Rick & Mike embody the rage of the striking writer.

Lew fraternizes with the enemy. (Actually he was a very nice security guard who put up with Lew's bit of "going to the other side" every day.) Never did get Security dude's name.

This is a picture of an old writer. He wasn't on our line at Sony. This is a left over picture from my days at Radford. I posted it for my sister-in-law Michelle who didn't believe there were any old writers out here. Now that I look at the picture, he might of just been a homeless looking to get a free donut. Or he could be the Ghost of Striking Future: that's how old we're all gonna be when this strike finally ends.

It's Been Over a Week...

2007-12-18T12:41:00.000-08:00

...since my last post. Not sure why. Part of was exhaustion -- between picketing everyday and working 5 nights last week, I was a wreck. Maybe it's the fact that I'm a full-time bartender and a very-part-time writer now. Not sure. So instead of waiting for inspiration to write something specific I've decided to just make myself write something everyday no matter how long, how short or how boring. My apologies up front.

Last night Sam & I went to the Santa Monica Civic Center where a rally for the WGA was being held. It was a check in for all members before everyone goes away for the holidays. We won't be picketing again until January 7th! Los Angeles shuts down for about 3 weeks around Christmas time. Agents, producers and fancy-pants writers who haven't taken a hit from being out of work for 6 weeks, all go to Hawaii. The rest of us stay here and try and figure out what to do with ourselves.

Usually Sam & I go home to Boston to visit my family and his father and wife. Unfortunately this year that trip was cost prohibitive. So for the first time in many years, I am not going home for Christmas. After I made this decision, I spent the first half hour crying and feeling bad for myself. Sam, sick of my whining, suggested I go alone. That's ridiculous, I couldn't leave him here. (Although I know a few days of uninterrupted video game play might be the best present I could give him.) He then thought it might be a nice idea to have my mother come out here. Knowing that my mother would want to spend Christmas with all the crazy grandkids, I thought the week after Christmas might work. That way she could spend my birthday and New Years here with us and all the dogs. I'm happy to report that this year's plan has all come together quite nicely. In fact, my mother will get to see me in all my bartending glory New Years Eve. Sam, Kerri & my mother will have front row seats ringing in the New Year at Vito. You never know with the old frisky crowd they have up there, my mother might be the only one to get lucky.

And just for shits and giggles, here's a picture of who I spent my Thanksgiving with. I know it's a bit belated but these are the people I will be spending Christmas with as well. Looking at this photo I think how stupid I was to cry over not going home for Christmas when I get to spend it with fabulous people like Rick and Penny Groel.

All About Eve

2007-12-07T17:16:00.000-08:00

Awhile ago I posted about my trip to NYC to visit my step-daughter Ivy. I mentioned her and her friends being a Fierce Foursome. Well apparently that number is up for debate. There could possibly be a Fierce Five even a Sonic Six but for now I'll just talk about number Five, Eve.

Eve is a junior just like Ivy. They play lacrosse together. I didn't get the chance to meet Eve but I hear she's the kind of girl I'd like -- goofy, athletic and smart. Eve is embroiled in the classic high school relationship: a Junior who dates a Senior and is worried about next year when he goes off to college and she stays behind. Remember those days? Well, I actually don't because I didn't go on a date until second semester freshman year in college but I know the agita it caused most of my friends.

All I can say is, hang in there, Eve. Because the heartbreak when he goes sucks until you get to college your own self and realize there are many, many more cute sharks in the ocean to go chummin' for.

Here's a picture so you can get a look at Ivy and Eve in action, popping collars. To the left of Ivy is Nicole looking apologetic while her friends act like goons. Cute goons.

Rumors

2007-12-05T18:13:00.000-08:00

It seems that the picket lines are filled with rumors these days. Rumors about when the strike will end, what happened at the latest negotiations, who's picketing, who isn't picketing, who is crossing the line, etc. I mean, it's understandable, we are walking around in circles for 3 hours and hearsay is far more interesting than one's resume, development deal, or pilot idea. Hot goss rocks!

So my friend Joe, who is still towing the line over at CBS/Radford, left me a message tonight telling me that he heard gossip on the line today and my name was mentioned. I tried to call him back but had to wait an excruciating hour to find out what was said about me. I won't make you wait that long. Here it is: Apparently there is a lack of The Game writers at the Colfax gate while all the Girlfriends writers show up each and every day. So Mark, the Strike Captain from Girlfriends was grilling Elaine, my Strike Captain, about where people were. Joe heard this, (snarky tone) "And what about Julie Bean? Where is she?" Joe, who only heard this because he was between Howard Stern shows on his portable Sirius, was about to say something when Elaine stuck up for me. She told Mark that I was picketing at Sony with my husband. Mark then asked about a few more people and then claimed that we were all liars.

My reaction to Joe's gossip was complex. At first I was sick to my stomach when I couldn't reach him and had no idea what the gossip was. Once I heard what it was I was pissed that Mark would be checking for me. Who the f*ck is he to wonder where I am? But then I was sad because the reaction Mark was having about people not showing up is the same one I had about people not showing up and I know it's a shitty was to feel. The only way to get over those bad feelings is to accept that you can only account for yourself and hope that everyone else has the integrity to be honest about where and when they are picketing. If not, you'll lose your hope in humanity and possibly your mind. Thinking about that is one rabbit hole you do not want to go down when you got nothing but three hour of walking ahead of you. Trust me, mark, I know. Depression is anger turned inward.

Maybe what Mark needs is evidence that I'm doing what I say I'm doing (although knowing that Elaine trusts me is probably enough evidence for him). Maybe he needs, heck, the WORLD needs it's first peek at people from Sony Gate 2, 6am to 9 am shift. Here you go, World!

From left to right that's Lew (hiding a blemish), Sam (being super cute and not even trying), Joe (who I don't know so well), Me (looking like a dude with no make-up), Rick (the man, the legend). Missing from the picture are mainstays Wally (who is taking the picture), Mike, another Mike, and Chris. They're a motley crew but I do love them.

Clean Up Day

2007-12-04T13:20:00.000-08:00

Last Friday it rained like mad here in Los Angeles. It's the first significant rainfall we've had in about a year. But like that great Albert Hammond 70's song "It never rains in California, girl, don't they warn ya, it pours, man it pours." It's wicked when it does because it a f*ing deluge all day. I went for a walk on the beach while it was raining and the crap pouring out of the storm drains onto the beach was heartbreaking and stomach turning. When I got home I had an email from my friend Susan who was wondering if I wanted to grab a garbage bag and do some beach-y clean up. I was in.

After a rain they say it's not safe to go in the water for about three days. After seeing what I saw on Saturday I'd say three years. Kerri and I met Susan at the beach at about 11am. We were dressed in homemade haz-mat suits. It was not attractive. Once again, Kerri and I go out looking like leaping lesbians. See pictures.

Susan got to the beach first. She was envisioning large piles of trash on the sand and was a little disappointed when there weren't any. She learned from a lifeguard that the city basically rakes up all the trash with a sand Zamboni after a rain. But they don't get everything, especially right by the storm drains where most of the trash accumulates. Susan got in her car and drove down to the Pico storm drain. Still not seeing the mountains of trash she was hoping for, she went to One Life for some chocolate.

In the meantime, Kerri and I started walking toward Pico on the shoreline. It wasn't as bad as it had been the day of the rain but there was still plenty to pick up. We quickly filled a trash bag. Which was not easy because the wind was blowing like mad and we had rubber gloves on. Trying to untwist the garbage bag with garbage in your hands was time consuming and frustrating. Kerri was better at it than me.

We were about halfway to Pico when Susan rejoined the task force. The closer we got to Pico the nastier it got. Tons of crap. We finally reached the outskirts of the storm drain and it seemed like endless amounts of trash. We focused on picking up the bigger stuff because you could spend all day hovering over the same small seaweed/styrofoam peanut pile trying to clear it out. A quick rundown of what we found:
ABOUT A DOZEN TENNIS BALLS
CONDOMS
CONDOM WRAPPERS
CANDY WRAPPERS (One for something called "Peanutopolis." It's wrapper was suspiciously similar to a Snickers Bar. Upon further investigation I have found out that Peanutopolis and Nougatocity are the new campaign slogans for Snickers. I told Kerri I thought it might be that because a Snickers bar has so many peanuts living in it it could be it's own peanut city. But Snickers claims it's a "state-of-mind making you feel very powerful and strong, almost mayor-like." I like my definition better.)
BIRTH CONTROL PILL CONTAINERS
KIDS SAND CASTLE TOYS
FLIP FLOPS (We left those for the homeless, although we should have put them on Susan who was barefoot. I hope to God I'm not posting about her raging staph infection in a few weeks.)
TIN TAKE-OUT CONTAINERS
STYROFOAM TAKE-OUT CONTAINERS
STYROFOAM PEANUTS (The lifeguard told Susan styrofoam was a good thing to pick-up because it just floats along forever.)
ASSLOADS OF PLASTIC BOTTLES
TAMPON APPLICATORS (Please, ladies, if you need an applicator go cardboard. it's so gross.)
PLASTIC GROCERY BAGS

The list goes on and on. The bonus to all this? It was excellent exercise. Walking in the wind and crouching every 2 feet or so is a better work-out than you think. My friend Lesli thinks I should start and Garbage-a-cize class. If I could make that work anywhere it'd be here in LA.

RIP Mr. E. Knievel

2007-12-03T18:00:00.001-08:00

My brother Chris called me today to tell me he was completely disgusted that it's been three days now and I have posted nothing about the passing of Evel Knievel. I think I'm just a little young to really remember Evel. I know I thought he was foxy even at my young age. He reminded me of my other crush, Steve Austin. I was looking on You Tube for a proper video tribute to post and I found this from Wide World of Sports and it reminded me of how much I used to love that show.

Rest In Peace, Motorcycle Jumping Man.

God, I loved the opening of WWOS. -- Jim McKay's voice, the nasty fall that skier takes in the beginning. I also used to love to eat a an egg, pepper and onion sandwich covered in ketchup while I watched WWOS.

Chris, thanks for keeping me honest.

Amendment to the Walk Of Shame

2007-11-30T16:57:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about my advice for ladies who find themselves on the Walk of Shame and I forgot one thing -- Do all I said and then maybe cut one on the way out.

The Walk of Shame

2007-11-30T12:06:00.001-08:00

My brother Chris replied to an earlier post where I talked about thefact that I'm starting to like getting up at 5am for my shift at Sony. I think Chris gets up at 4:30am everyday. He's at his desk by like 5:15am or something insane. He wrote this:

I find the best part of the early early morning commute to Boston (especially on Fridays) is when you are so early you are touching the end of night and can occasionally see the late late night partier sheepishly trying to make their way home before the sun rises. This morning just I saw a “business man” sitting on the bench in front of the statue of Sam Adams (the man not the beer) brief case at his side, neck tie undone, shirt unbuttoned, hair looked like it was combed with a shoe, one sock, and two more shoes. I wish I had a camera.

That is what we typically call the Walk of Shame. When I was training for a marathon, we used to run down the back alley to all the beachfront apartments in Marina del Rey. Around Saturday morning at about 7:30am, we'd inevitably see a girl in her Friday night's clothes, stilettos in hand, mascara smeared raccoon-like all around her eyes, tip-toeing down the back steps of some dudes place. We've all had those mornings. Some more than others. And you ladies know who you are. Next time throw those heels on, wipe your face clean, and stomp down those stairs with pride!

PICKET LINE ENVY

2007-11-30T11:53:00.001-08:00

I was just finishing up an email to my sister in law Michelle explaining how one's picket line has become a real point of pride. Where you picket and who you're picketing with has become sort of a sport or at the very least a passive aggressive competition. Exemplifying how we here in Hollywood can turn anything into high school.

Anyway, I had sent off my email and then opened another from my friend Eric which contained this piece written by a guy named Jonathan Schmok. It's a little inside but pretty accurate Zagat-like reviews of each studio.

2007 STRIKERS GUIDE TO LOS ANGELES STUDIOS

CBS RADFORD
Once the "ultimate destination” for the “proletarian struggle,” now this “no frills” “bunker” is a “safe bet” for avoiding anyone you’ve “slept with.” “Ample construction dust” and “non-specific anxiety” make visiting the MacDonald’s bathroom a “high point” at this “bland”, “very casual” locale. “A gem.”

DISNEY STUDIOS
When it comes to “waving cardboard” at the shadow of a “frozen, Nazi-loving ghost,” the sine quo non is this “stand-by”, “folksy” institution. “A slice of Fascism” proclaiming “free air” and “live squirrels,” the Disney Imagineers seem to have “worked overtime” in providing “the feeling you are being recorded,” but more “for retribution than for pay.”

FOX STUDIOS
“Prius drivers and black women always honk” has never seemed truer than at this “one-of-a-kind” “propaganda stockyard.” You’ll “come for the principle” but you’ll “stay for the guilt” as host Rupert Murdoch serves up “no easy sneak out routes” and keeps “residual-philes” “hanging in till three.” Although CAA agents no longer “hand out pastry on trays,” those “in the Biz” may entertain the notion of “leaping into the fountain for a penny.”

NBC BURBANK
Getting a school bus to honk has never seemed so “chic” as at the “legendary” Burbank “chez Leno.” “Enthusiastic die-hards” stand in “long lines” to “stand in a long line” as stories of “touching John Edwards” and “creepy Ambassador Hotel premonitions” make striking at NBC Burbank the West Coast answer to “yelling at any New York office building.”

PARAMOUNT MELROSE GATE
Memories of Myrna Loy and Star Trek mingle with the aroma of “feet” and “that guy from that pilot” at this “clubby”, “old-school” “bastion of the corporate over-lord.” “Six miles of aerobic walking” and a view of “Mathew Modine in a sweater” seem a “nifty trade off“ for “your career.” Haute amenities include “shade” and “sitting on a planter.”

SONY PICTURES
Enjoy the visual ambiance of “a plating company” and “people with jobs” as you “make eye contact” with “sassy moguls.” When I say “Union,” you’ll say “Kill Me“ as you “trudge” around this “larger than it looks” “Deco whale.” “How’s that iPhone?” and “What have you heard?” pepper the banter on this “seemingly endless death march.” Locals recommend the Paul Haggis.

UNIVERSAL BARHAM GATE
Don’t let “searing asphalt” and “noxious fumes” deter you from this “centrally located” “barren intersection” which insiders have dubbed “Universal’s hind end.” Make sure you try the “sunscreen” as a defense against “le sol dangereuse.” “Bright” and “minimal”, Barham boasts of proximity to a “furnished apartment complex” as well as a “graveyard,” so “ingrate picketers” can see not only where they’re headed, but also where they’re ultimately headed.

WARNER BROS
“Kick back” as an “Asian girl” makes you “chant like a Marine” and crew guys give you that “hey fag” look as you sample the many entrances to this “lavish, animation-geared sweatshop.” “Giant, plentiful, life-like murals” of “other people’s hits” make you feel as if you are “walking in a circle in the sun.” “Free Pizza” and “limitless In and Out Burgers” have recently given way to “water” and “whatever’s in your pockets.”

A Clarification

2007-11-29T16:16:00.000-08:00

In a previous post regarding my recent trip to NY, I referred to Ivy's friend Maggie as "the hottie of (Ivy's) group." It has been brought to my attention that this may have hurt Ivy's feelings. Even though I referred to Ivy being the brains and the glue of her circle of friends, no teenage girl wants to hear that her friend is hotter. I did not mean this as a comparison of Ivy's and Maggie's hotness. My step-daughter is plenty foxy. She's the type of girl you always envied in high school -- hair conditioner commercial perfect hair (no blow drying neccessary), blue eyes, picture perfect without a stitch of make-up, etc. She's the girl who is the best friend to all guys in high school. The girl that gives all her guy "friends" advice about dating. (When they're really probably in love with her.) This is the girl that really comes into her own in college and then gets a marriage proposal about every other week. That is how hot my Dogger is. So make no mistake people, the girl is hot. But don't tell her father I said so. Here's a picture to prove it.

That's her with the braids. Did I mention style? Cuz yeah, she's got that, too. I guess the apple didn't fall far away from my tree.

A New Strike Routine

2007-11-28T13:57:00.000-08:00

As most of you know I have given up picketing at CBS/Radford. I did so for a number of reasons, one of them being I was sick of driving to the Valley everyday. It's about twenty miles each way. Although our car isn't a gas guzzler, filling up for gas every week and a half when there is no money coming in seemed senseless, especially when I had other options. (No, spending money on food and booze every night doesn't seem senseless to me. But thanks for asking.)

Sam had been riding his bike down to Raleigh Manhattan Beach Studios for the first few weeks of the strike. Once all productions shut down there he was reassigned to Sony. My strike Captain gave me her blessing to picket with my husband. Being that Sony is only about 7 miles from our house, I knew Sam would insist we bike there so over the Thanksgiving Picket Break I turned my road/racing bike into a commuter bike.

A few years back I was really into racing triathlons. When you get into a sport like that, you suddenly find yourself getting all the tricked out gear so you can be faster: aero-bars, clip-in pedals, granny gears (for hills), computer for measuring your RPMs. (For maximum efficiency, one is supposed to pedal 90 rotations per minute -- apparently that's what Lance Armstrong did to revolutionize bike racing.) Guess what? I ain't no Lance Armstrong and I was never going to be faster. My ass is just too big. I could fit Lance's head inside one of my butt cheeks.
So I got rid of the aero-bars and exchanged them for uprights and had my pedals changed back into a pedal with a clip-in option (for when I need the extra pull going up hill. Sometimes pushing down isn't enough). When I picked the bike up from the lovely people at Bike Attack, I fell in love. My bike was perfect! I could pedal home without those stupid shoes and I wasn't hunched over the bike like one of those cartoon characters from the Triplets of Belleville.
So yesterday, Sam and I took our inaugural ride to our shift at Sony. The only problem was our shift started at 6am. SIX IN THE MORNING!!! This meant getting up at 5am so we could leave by 5:30am. I was successful at getting up but I'm not sure I actually woke up until I was about halfway there. It was at that point that I started to sweat, then I started to enjoy the ride and then I stopped and picked up a Starbucks and the whole day turn a turn for the better.

It's fun riding around the dark and cold city streets with my husband. We are sweaty and wide awake by the time we put our bikes away and pick up our signs. Before you know it, our three hours are over and we're headed home.

I never thought I'd say this but I like getting up that early. Now the only problem is when I get home the minute I step in the door I fall asleep for an hour. Maybe a little more. I'm working on that.

Oh and if you haven't seen the Triplets of Belleville, you have to rent it. It's whole family friendly and just about the sweetest movie in the world. Here's a picture of two of the characters who are so cute, you'll run out and rent it tonight.

Back On The Line

2007-11-26T20:07:00.000-08:00

Today was my first day back on the line in a bit. 5:15 am certainly came early this morning, but as always once you get there, it's never as bad as you imagined it would be. Today Danny Zucker was on our line. He's kind of a celebrity comedy writer. Everyone knows him and loves him. Turns out he made this video about the strike with another writer I sort of know, Zach Rosenblatt. Zach is married to this fantastic woman, Kourtney Kang who is also a comedy writer. And being that she a woman AND a comedy writer AND I like her -- you know she's gotta be great. So without further ado, here's Zach and Danny's video.

My Trip To NYC

2007-11-23T12:51:00.000-08:00

As promised, here is the fantastic view from Paul's apartment.

His apartment is on Howard Street and this is his view looking north up Crosby. Pretty fantastic, huh? I just emailed Maura for some pictures of her view, too. In the meantime, I'll post some pictures of my time spent with my step-daughter ("Dogger" for short), Ivy.

That's Ivy on the right. The other chick is Maggie, Ivy's best friend. We were at Balthazar celebrating Paul's (Uncle Balls') birthday on Saturday afternoon. Friday night was all about Ivy. It was my belated sweet sixteen present to her. We went out to dinner in the city and then had a sleepover at Uncle Balls' house. But before all that I got to meet her crew.

Like most 16 year olds, Ivy travels in a pack. Maggie and Ivy make up one half of that pack. Here's the other half. That's Peter on the left and Jared on the right. They're not as retarded as they look. I don't think. I was actually pretty impressed with all of Ivy's friends. They try and make conversation with adults and look them in the eye when they do. That right there is half the battle with any teenager, right? These kids were smart, funny and gracious. Maggie is the hottie of the group even though she's coming in at just about 5 feet tall. Ivy is the brains and the glue. Without her, there might not be a fierce foursome. She keeps them focused. Jared is the personality and Peter is the male hottie. Although as I told the girls, focus will switch from Peter to Jared very soon, that kid's got swagger. And girls love swagger.

Here's a picture of the king of swagger.
Yep, that's my step-son, Nate. This dude is funny, good-looking, (getting) tall, and can dance his ass off. He's nice to girls and boys alike. He's the guy everyone wants to be best friends with. Thoughts of him at 18 terrify me.

All in all the trip was a success, I spent some quality time spent with the kids, with Paul, with Maura... the one thing I didn't get to do was walk the picket line. Thursday was my only opportunity and I slept through it. Sometimes that city takes hold of you, plies you full of drink and then spits you out nude on the wrong side of 3am. Good times, indeed.

Another Link For Strike News

2007-11-18T17:32:00.000-08:00

Here's another link for strike stuff that's pretty interesting; United Hollywood. I put it up a while ago when the strike was just a rumor. It was my agent who reminded me to look at this blog. She prefers this one to Nikki Finke because she says Ms. Finke hates agents. Welcome to the "Hated On" club, Kath. Second only to agents are writers. I'll put it under my permalinks to the right so you'll always have it.

Here's some Daily Show writers doing their thing from the picket lines. I think those dudes can't help themselves. They have to work everyday no matter what. Wish I was like that.

Long Distance Blogging

2007-11-18T15:01:00.001-08:00

I'm in New York and have been since Wednesday. It's so great to be in the city. I came here because I promised my step-daughter that I'd have "girl's weekend" to celebrate her 16th birthday (which was in September).

Wednesday I got in a little late and spent the night with Maura who is renovating her awesome brownstone in the West Village. This apartment has the best roof deck in the world. It's not very big and if you lean over the edge a little you can see the Empire State Building but it is cozy and comfy and full of green plants. They are all dying at the moment but you get the feeling. Being in that apartment for five minutes makes me want to live in NYC again. Of course, I don't think I can afford the million dollar brownstone on one of the greatest block in the city. I think Gwenyth Paltrow used to live on the block. Sarah Jessica Parker, too. You get the idea. It's amazing. Then I got to Paul's place. A whole different amazing.

Paul lives in Soho at Crosby and Howard. I wasn't sure where that was so I found Crosby between Broadway and Lafayette and walked south. To my surprise Crosby ended at Howard. I found Paul's apartment directly in front of me. A quintessential Soho building; diamond pattern metal stairs that lead to the front door of building and all the precious stores that have one item like a twisted piece of cardboard shaped like a turd and dipped in and costs $5 thousand dollars. I get buzzed into Paul's apartment, head up to the second floor and walk into a palatial two bedroom loft with the most gorgeous floor to ceiling windows that have an unobstructed view that looks north up Crosby Street. it's the kind of apartment you only see in movies. This is living, people.

Paul promises to send me pictures of the view from his apartment. I won't hold my breath. And I know Maura has some lovely ones of her deck that I'll try to get my hands on so you can see what real New York living is all about. And when I say real I mean rich.

More to come... I need to make some garlic bread for the kids while the oven is hot. Here's a picture of my hungry birds.

The Best Strike Blog Out There

2007-11-13T15:57:00.000-08:00

There's a lot of reporting going on out there about the strike. When I talk to people on the picket lines about fair reporting one name keeps coming up: Nikki Finke. Her Deadline Hollywood Daily blog is devoted to what is going on between writers and producers. Right now, it's the best place to get information. Also, it's amazing how many times a day she updates her site. Check her out. I'll keep her link on my "Places To Procrastinate" section to your right.

In other news, I'm going to NYC tomorrow. I'll be picketing there on Thursday and Friday. I'm kind of looking forward to it. I'll see how easy we have it picketing in the warm sun all day. I'm back on Monday and then I believe I work Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday at Vito next week. My hands are going to be a scaly mess.

A Little Inspiration

2007-11-13T11:56:00.000-08:00

During the last half hour of four hours on the picket line, you really start to lose it. No one is funny to you anymore and nothing anyone has to say seems interesting. You just want to go home and nap. But from now on, I'll think about this video when negative thoughts like, "Why the f*ck are we doing this?" start to creep into my head.
I picketed today at Sony with Sam. We did the 6am to 10am shift. By the time I actually woke up, it was about 8:30am. I'll post more about today's line later, after a nap.

DAY 6 (or 8 if you're counting weekends)

2007-11-12T17:17:00.000-08:00

It was an all time low turnout for The Game writers today. There was a new schedule set by the WGA for all the studios. Two shifts: 6am - 10am then 10am - 2pm. At CBS Radford, the studio where I have been picketing, they broke the day down into three 3 hour shifts: 6am - 9am, 9am - 12pm, 12pm - 3pm. I thought I might be able to make the early shift but then I realized I'd be in the height of traffic on the way home from the Valley. And traffic in that direction if horrible in the morning. I see it when I'm going to work and often think, I'd kill myself if I was stuck in that every day. So I decided I'd do my own thing; 10am - 1pm. Sam, however, got up at 4:45am and rode his bike to his newly assigned studio, Sony. Turns out there were a lot of people we knew at Sony working the early shift. I was envious when I heard because no one from my show, except Sara, showed up at my gate. I guess they figure they've done enough picketing or someone else will do the picketing for them. Erica texted me and told me that her dog walker called in sick so she'd have to do a "double" tomorrow. Yeah, right. Jeni told me she "ditched" at Paramount. That means she went to Paramount, signed in, and then left. Little does she know the WGA is onto her kind, we now have to sign in and sign out with a time attached. Kenya claims he went to another studio although he lives about two minutes away from CBS Radford so I highly doubt he went anywhere but the movies. Joe (who doesn't work with me but is an honorary member of my show's picketing staff) showed up at 1pm with a massive hangover. I was done with my shift and, after complaining to Sam that Joe didn't show up, I took Joe away from the picket line and fed him a beer and some sushi. He was looking like he might throw up, I knew a beer would help and Katsu-Ya (some of the best sushi in LA) is spitting distance from my line. I know stealing picketers doesn't help the eroding lines but Joe was in such a state he would have been worthless anyway. There was no way he could have gotten even a single car to honk this afternoon.

Tomorrow I'm going to Sony for the early shift with Sam. I definitely looking for some inspiration since I'm so disgusted with my co-workers. After that I'm headed to NYC. I will fulfill my picket obligations while in New York. Apparently the WGA East is so small they picket en masse. Thursday they are picketing at the Disney Store on 5th Avenue. It seems kind of weird to me to picket at a store but I'd show up at the Pottery Barn and picket pillow shams if they asked me to -- I'm determined to give the WGA the 20 hours a week they are asking of every member.

As you all know I like to always have a picture to go along with my post. I don't have any pictures from today but I do have this video. It's how I feel on the picket line sometimes. And it's only week two.

A Few More Pictures From Day 5

2007-11-10T09:49:00.000-08:00

Jeni, one of my co-workers, sent me a couple of pictures of our writing staff at yesterday's big rally for the WGA strike. From left to right is: Hale, Kenya, Jeni, me, Sara.

And who is this foxy middle-aged couple?

Here's another picture of Jeni and Hale but what I'd like you to really notice is the small man over Jeni's shoulder. Yes, that's Booger from Revenge of the Nerds.

My favorite Booger roles were when he played second banana to John Cusack in all those Savage Steve Holland movies from the 80's.
These movies still kind of hold up. Savage Steve Holland might have been ahead of his time with the animation and live action integration part of these movies. Find some time some rainy afternoon to treat yourself to a Cusack/Holland/Booger Fest sometime soon.

Day 5 -- The Big Rally

2007-11-09T19:57:00.000-08:00

Today was the big rally for the WGA strike. It was held outside of Fox Studios, actually more accurately, outside of Fox Plaza which was the building called Nakatomi Plaza in the first Die Hard movie. 4,000 writers showed up. Most of them wearing the red strike t-shirts. With all these writers it seemed more like the parting of the red bad body sea. Wow, we are an ugly union. We should have hired some stand-ins to protest for us.

Sam and I took the bus up to Fox. It was the first bus ride I have ever taken in the 13 years I have lived in L.A. I liked it fine although waiting for the bus brought up some stress reminiscent of waiting for the bus for high school after I took the stand not to ride with my father. (Who dropped me off in the same spot as the bus anyway and the bus driver didn't light up a heater at 7:15 in the morning.)

Anyway the rally was sort of like a really fun high school reunion. Walking down the closed streets of Century City I saw people I haven't seen in years. Larry Jacobson was a writer I knew at Letterman. He was the first guy to "go west" to succeed. He worked on Married With Children for a few years, then had a development deal for a few more and has spent the last 11 years working on Leno. He went "west" to do the same thing he did 13 years ago. It was good to see him nonetheless.

Kelsey Grammar spent a few minutes walking beside the entire writing staff of The Game and Girlfriends -- both shows on which he is an Executive Producer -- he had no idea that millions of his dollars were striking beside him. When I told my boss Mara that I saw him she said that if I had introduced myself as a writer from The Game he would have said, "What's that?" His two "urban comedies" on the CW are basically money printing machines for him. He don't need to know the serial number of those machines.

Patrick Verrone, president of the WGA West looked alarming like Hitler minus the mustache. He told us we were winning this fight. I have to say it felt a little like Bush on the Aircraft Carrier pronouncing "Mission Accomplished!"

I ran into my old bosses from Veritas: The Quest, my first job writing when I had a partner. (Holla, Steph!) Patrick Masset and Jon Zinman are now on Friday Night Lights (and you all know how I feel about that show) which means I got to gush all over the writers from that staff. They had no women representing them besides Jon's hot wife Amy who only seemed to be tolerating these boys. I think they might need the lady touch on staff. Look no further, boys. Although I am sure that show will be a real casualty of this strike. It's doing so poorly in the rating I doubt it'll come back even if we do. Shouldn't keep you from watching it, though. I'm just saying.

Monday it's back to the picket lines. Everyone is ready to move around to different studios and walk around in circles for 4 hours with different people. I will be sure to do the same but I'm not going anywhere without Joe.

This is a picture I took of myself and Hale, one of my co-workers. He's dressed in all black cashmere. It was 80 degrees today. That's Sam over the man with the green sweat shirt's right shoulder. He has on a beige cap and is wearing a full beard. And that's a zit on my chin.

Day 4

2007-11-08T22:48:00.000-08:00

Day 4 was more uneventful than day 3. Joe didn't show up until later in the day and Erica decided that after her doctor's appointment, she'd strike at NBC Universal where it was rumored that Ellen Degeneres was going to cross the picket line to film two of her shows. Well, Ellen showed up but I'm not sure Erica did.

Anyway turns out that I spent some nice time chanting like a fool with my boss Mara. (This is her. Yes, my boss is hot.) The mornings at the Colfax Gate are nice and rowdy. The woman who run the room at Girlfriends, Mara's other show, take charge of the megaphones and chant and sing for 4 hours straight. When they leave at 1pm it's time for the afternoon shift to take over. Mara and I saw that no one else was going to do it so we did. It's all fun until the old angry men who are picketing with you won't respond to your chants -- ME: "When I say Union, you say Power! Union! Them: (silence) Me: Union! Them: (silence). -- but these guys demand to hear certain ones. A favorite of one 75 yr old gentleman who was working the line (and the 50 something lovely next to him) was: "We are the writers, we tell the story, we"ll tell the whole damn world this is Union territory!" I think he liked the curse word. It all seemed like a great thing.

Then you stop for a minute and you realize that someone cooler than you or someone who just knows you through your husband has entered the line and you kinda just sound like a dick.

Since I have no pictures of me chanting, here's a picture of Lew and Joe chanting. p.s. I made Joe's sign. Yesterday he added the red line under "Honk" after holding the sign for about an hour. I'm so happy the sign made it through the night. Joe is the official favorite striker of The Game writers. Today when he wasn't there, they stood on the corner in honor of him. In fact, this one woman I work with, Sara, said: "Your friend Joe is onto something with this honking thing." That's right, Professor Honkenstein, you sure are.

From The Front Lines

2007-11-08T08:34:00.000-08:00

Okay, so everything Jimmy said about a strike is true. No one wins. This is not fun. not fun at all. I didn't expect it to be all shits and giggles, I didn't know what to expect. But walking in a very small circle (think about the length of your driveway) for four straight hours trying to make small talk with other people walking in small circles for four straight hours is a f*cking drag!

The first day everyone was more curious than anything. That feeling lasted about 15 minutes. Then the complaining set in. "My legs hurt." "Do we really have to do this tomorrow too?" "This sign is heavy." "The wood handle hurts my hands." The list goes on and on. I served margaritas on the first day but we quickly realized that that buzz that was fantastic at 2:30pm? Not so great at 5:00pm. Nothing like picketing straight through the buzz into the hangover.

Day two I decided to throw myself into it. Joe didn't. (As you can see from his picture.) I made him his own "HONK FOR A WRITER" sign and let him stand on the corner by himself asking cars to make some noise. Amazingly enough, Joe's little tactic of noise paid off. CSI:NY which shoots inside the studio we were picketing was shut down due to "traffic noise." Very satisfying.

Day three I went out and made coolers for each gate at the studio and dropped them off before my shift. I was amazed to see how sedate the other picketers were. They were like fat little red t-shirted lemmings quietly following one another in circles. Our gate, Colfax Gate, is the loudest and the proudest. Which is good because we're the gate that the actors and the teamsters have to cross all day long. By the end of the day yesterday, I was assigned the bullhorn to lead the chants. Instead of the usual "Hey hey, ho ho, we won't write your TV show." I decided to get creative. "Crossing or line is the pits, Jimmy Smits" was my favorite. Although Joe's "We won't write a script for you, David Caruso" was a close second.

So I go back today and try and find ways to entertain myself for another long stretch. We may all lose our minds if this goes on as long as predicted.

One more thing: striking in the morning and bartending at night equals 12 hours on your feet. HOLY SHIT! I can't believe some people actually stand for that long for a living. It really knocks it out of you. That's why the blog hasn't been updated in so long. I had no idea what was coming my way. I'll be pissed if I get varicose veins after all this.

The Shock Settles In

2007-11-03T09:43:00.000-07:00

At about 2pm on Friday, the Writer's Guild of America called for a strike against the American Motion Picture and Television Producers. It begins on Monday at 12:01am. This means no writer shows up to work on Monday or any day after that until a deal between the two is agreed upon.

I've been a bit cavalier in talking about the strike on my blog. I think I've been trying to avoid really considering what being out of work for an indeterminate amount of time means. I guess the truth is, I don't know how I feel about it or what to expect. Part of not knowing is what is exciting to me. It might push me to do something different, find something new, shake me out of this sitcom stupor I've been in for a couple of years.

My brother Jimmy sent me a very astute email regarding strike situations. Apparently negotiating contracts between laborers and UPenn is what Jimmy does for a living. Now I knew he worked at Penn and I knew he was head of all Operations there but I was never quite sure what that meant. And being totally self-involved, never bothered to ask. Turns out my brother is kind of a big wig over there. Oh, and he's wicked smaht. Here's his email:

Julie,

I just saw the blog, boy I hope you're wrong. Nobody really wins in a strike. Hopefully if it happens, it will be like most and be settled within 7-10 days. It all depends on how smart the negotiators are; they have to separate themselves from the celebrity of carrying the flag for the cause and realize that in order to settle any labor issue both sides have to have some give to them Probably the biggest part of my job is dealing with labor contract interpretation and negotiations. The negotiations are always tough, mostly because people do not understand how to place themselves in the other side's shoes. I've learned that even a win is not a win unless both parties can walk away with some level of self respect. The problem on the Left Coast is that everyone is an actor in some regard, so this gives them a stage to parade on.

It sounds like your battle is about the changing paradigm of entertainment payment and compensation (pretty Ivy League - huh?). I was going to delete this but after a few VO's I decided to leave it in.

Do you think your side has identified clear money trail that can be better distributed? Has they quantified the value? If so, what are the growth estimates?

What term is the Guild looking for?

Sorry for the quiz, but this is what I do for a living - believe it or not, its like a fight without the sore hands and bruised nose.

Don't worry, how many reruns of "Dancing with the Stars" can America stand?

Jim.

I've read Jimmy's email a few times to see if I can answer these questions, because f*ck, if I have to walk the picket line everyday this week, I should be able to.

1) Do you think your side has identified clear money trail that can be better distributed? Has they quantified the value? If so, what are the growth estimates?
The quantified money trail and it's growth estimates is the deepest issue up for negotiation. The "new money" trail begins with Internet downloads (or "new media" as they call it). The producers are claiming that they have no way of quantifying how many downloads or viewings a product might have on the Internet. They view the Internet as a strictly promotional tool. And they believe they have the right to put anything we write for them on the Internet for free and then charge you for it or make you watch commercials at every break. Commercials you can't fast forward over. So they are making money from either the advertisers or a straight charge (like iTunes) but are telling us that they can't quantify downloads. Hmm... well you seem to be able to quantify it when you're telling Target how much they have to pay you for advertising on their site. And I can tell how many people look at my blog everyday. Seems like they might have an idea how to quantify their new media. The Writer's Guild knows that the second we fold on this bullet point, the producers will go, "Oops, we just figured it out! Sorry, suckers!" I believe the Guild is right.

2) What term is the Guild looking for?
The Guild would like to increase the percentage of money made off DVD's and New Media. A few years back the Guild folded to a shitty deal regarding DVD's. Off every DVD sold the writers make like .3% (point three!). It costs about 50 cents to manufacture a DVD. Everything above and beyond that is profit. The Guild estimates that by not making the deal they wanted last time around writers lost about 1.5 billion dollars. BILLION! They'd like to try and amend that deal somewhat and get a fair percentage of the profits being made off Internet downloads and viewing. Remember, it costs nothing, not even 50 cents, to put something on the Internet once it's produced.

People watch "TV" in a totally different way now. I download entire seasons of shows I missed and watch them on my computer. I slip on my headphones and snuggle in front of the fire with my computer and a martini. It really puts the "Friday" in Friday Night Lights (Which is the best show on television bar none. Download the first season or get the DVD's. You will not be disappointed. See?! I can't help myself. I promoting against the cause!! But is sooooo good.)

That's all for now. Sorry for all the heavy stuff, but I wanted to answer Jimmy's questions the best I could. I'm sure I'm missing some really important facts but these are the ones I know and these are the ones that'll get me to the picket line every day this week. Well, that and it's mandatory. Everyone has to do four hours a day, five days a week. Should be very interesting.

The Strike Meeting

2007-11-02T09:41:00.000-07:00

I went to the strike meeting last night at the L.A. Convention Center. I parked at the Holiday Inn and met Sam at the bar so we could walk over together. I had a margarita and some nachos. For those of you who, like me, love a margarita but suffer from terrible heartburn, I found a solution: no sweet and sour mix! What? Yep, yep. No mix, here's what you do instead. Ask for a margarita made with Patron and Cointreau (Grand Marnier will do if no big C) and then tell them that instead of mix you'd like it made with orange juice and cranberry juice. The sweet and tart of the combination makes for a really lovely margarita. I hear you skeptics already, "I don't like orange juice, blah, blah, blah..." I'm telling you, you don't even know your sipping on the O.J.

So the meeting. It was by turns inspiring (in the turnout - an estimated 3,000 members), horrifying (we are going to strike - it will be announced today for Monday most likely -- in true White House form, you bury news on Friday not announce it) and infuriating. Infuriating because you look around and you understand why everyone in Hollywood hates us. A lot of posturing, a lot of schmoozing, and a little more posturing. There was this one guy who just kept sort of pacing in the middle aisle looking around making sure everyone was looking at him. I would have thought he was security if it wasn't for his douche-required uniform: corduroy blazer, crumpled button down shirt, over priced khakis and the sneaker/shoe hybrids on his feet. Yes, D-bag, everyone saw you. NOW SIT DOWN.

Here's a picture that'll give you an idea of what 90% of the room looked like:
Seriously, this is who I have to picket with??!! I've told a few people who'll be picketing at CBS Radford that I'm going pull my car up close to the picket line and have a fully stocked bar running out the back. Coffee cups and lids provided to hide the roadies.

See? Every cloud does have a silver lining.

Strike News

2007-11-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

Well, it looks like we writers are going to strike. Tonight there is a big meeting downtown at the Convention Center for all members of the Writer's Guild. Initially I wasn't going to go as we are shooting a show tonight but then I really thought about it and realized, how could I not go? This is the only time in my life I'll ever be part of a union. And, hopefully, the only time in my life I'll go on strike. I curious to see the machinations of a union when it's about to take an action. I mean, isn't this kind of mobilization of members for a purpose the exact reason a union is formed?

We've been told to pack up our offices tonight in case a strike is called at the end of the day. I look around my office and I see nothing of real importance except of few photographs from my wedding and of course, pictures of the dogs. The rest I am completely happy to walk away from.

Sam & I will probably lose our house if this strike goes too long. I can't imagine the ripple effect it will have on people who are making less than us: the PA's, the Writer's Assistants, shit, even the people who clean the offices! Ugh.

If you're interested here are a few links to websites that have been talking about what's going on in a fair or, at least, understandable way.

The Artful Writer
United Hollywood
The Huffington Post

On the bright side, I will be able to pick up a few more shifts at Vito! It won't pay the mortgage but I'll certainly have more time to blog and pour.

The Biggest Turnout Ever!

2007-10-30T21:23:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry it's taken me so long to update the blog. I won't bore you with excuses.

This past Saturday was SPECTACULAR at Vito. Get a load of who showed up:

Sam (of course)
Kerri (naturally)
Susan (not as much a regular as she used to be)
Jen & Leamy (fantastic)
Russ & Ann (virgin tour)
Liam (also his first Vito flight)
Holly (semi regular looking hottie tottie in a black sequined top)
Alison (who even though she works in the Liver ICU always fights the good fight)
Kim (Holly's friend who drank Grey Goose Orange on the rocks with a lime -- yum)
Kathy (even though our nutritionist warns her against coming)
Kerry (her labs love when she comes -- she always brings home leftovers for them)
Amy (Kerry's sister on her inaugural visit, too)

To all my first timers, thank you. I do hope you'll come back again. It was absolutely a fantastic night. The bar turned into Red Sox Nation West while the game was on. I think Kerri's obnoxiously loud whistling broke Florence Henderson's wine glass. If not, Kerri surely busted a few hearing aids. (Yes, Mrs. Brady is a regular. She looks good. Just the right amount of plastic surgery.)

Liam and Russ threw down. Four, that's right FOUR martinis each. If they had chosen beer backs instead of water, Rick Groel's record would be in serious jeopardy. Your PR is safe for now, Rick.

I need to get my camera fixed and bring it into the bar so when we do have a showing like we had last Saturday, I can post the motley crew here. Next time. And there will be a next time. Right, people?

As you all know I like to make the blog as interactive as possible. So here's my latest favorite You Tube clip:

Go Sox, part 2.

2007-10-26T11:48:00.000-07:00

Man, oh man I love a victory! But even more than that, I love people who want to contribute to the blog. Critics, writers, and photographers? You're all welcome here.

Today's contributor is Pam, my sister-in-law Michelle's friend, who reminded me where I had first fell in love with the Brandy Alexander. Pam is also a full-time mother and writer. She can now add photographer to her CV. (See that? CV instead of resume. All class, people.)

In honor of the impending triumph of the red sox, here's a picture I took yesterday leaving work. I was on Longwood Ave by Children's hospital and heard the plane above. I think by the time I was there the "Sox" and the "Surrender Rockies" signs had evaporated

Happy Birthday, Jimmy!

2007-10-24T11:20:00.000-07:00

Today is my brother Jimmy's birthday. At least I think it is. I'm not very good with dates although I can usually guess your birthday within a three day window. So Jimmy's birthday is either the 24th, the 25th, or the 26th. Writing this now I'm beginning to feel like it's the 26th because my brother Larry's birthday is also in the twenties but in January. The 23rd, 24th or 25th. I did get the day right once when I called my brother Chris to wish him a happy birthday. You know, sang the song and everything. He let me run through the entire serenade, thanked me and then told me his birthday was actually in six months. Oh well, the sentiment is the same.

Happy Birthday, Jimmy! This is what I'd give you if I saw you today, or tomorrow, or the next day:

GO SOX!!

Go Sox!

2007-10-20T15:23:00.000-07:00

In honor of tonight's game, I'm posting a little ditty that I'm sure all East Coasters are sick of seeing but I can't get enough of.

Brandy Alexander Part 2

2007-10-19T12:26:00.000-07:00

I was reminded by Michelle's friend Pam of where I first heard of a Brandy Alexander -- The Mary Tyler Moore Show.

I tried to find a clip of the scene on You Tube but 20th Century Fox has pulled all clips from the site. (Something I think all companies will start doing thus making us pay for clips in the future which is another reason why writers should strike. But I digress.)

So here's a picture of the greatest cast of the greatest show EVER followed by a transcript of the scene. Lou: Look, miss, I was just about to have a drink and I wouldn't mind some company. Want one?
Mary: No, thank you.
Lou: I said I wouldn't mind some company!
Mary: Well, all right. I'll have a Brandy Alexander.
Lou (dumbfounded): How 'bout some coffee?

And just for fun, the greatest scene ever written:

Mary: Has the job been filled?
Lou: Yeah.
Mary: Oh.
Lou: But there is another job.
Mary: Oh?
Lou: I figured I'd hire a man for it.
Mary: Oh.
Lou: We can talk about it.
Mary: Well good.
Lou: How old are you?
Mary: Thirty.
Lou: No hedging! No 'how old do I look'?
Mary (smiles and shrugs her shoulders): Why hedge?
Lou: Yeah.
Mary: How old do I look?
Lou (pauses): Thirty. (opens booze bottle in his desk drawer) What religion are you?
Mary: Uh, Mr. Grant, I don't quite know how to say this, but, uh, you're not allowed to ask that when someone's applying for a job. It's against the law.
Lou: Wanna call a cop?
Mary (sweetly): No.
Lou: Good! Would you think I was violating your civil rights if I asked if you're married?
Mary: Presbyterian. (Lou stares at her.) Uh, well I, I, I decided I would answer your religion question.
Lou: Divorced?
Mary: No.
Lou: Never married!
Mary: No.
Lou: Why?
Mary: Why?
Lou: Do you type?
Mary: Mr. Grant, there's no simple answer to that question!
Lou: Yes there is! How 'bout 'no I can't type' or 'yes I can'?
Mary: There's no simple answer to why a person isn't married.
Lou: How many reasons can there be?
Mary (nervously): 65.
Lou (exasperated): Words per minute. My typing question!!
Mary: Yes.
Lou (gets up off his chair): Look miss! Would you try answering the questions as I ask them?
Mary (stands up): Yes, Mr. Grant, I will, but it does seem that you've been asking a lot of very personal questions that don't have a thing to do with my qualifications for this job.

If I could write like that I wouldn't need 10 milligrams of Adderall every time I sit down to write a script. And I wouldn't waste the first half hour of my Adderall induced concentration posting to my blog. Oh well.

The Return of Maniac Mommy

2007-10-17T12:26:00.001-07:00

I'm again going to take a backseat to my sister in law, Michelle. No, she isn't really a maniac mother but I think sometimes she feels she is. In reality, she's an excellent mother. And when I first met her, she really didn't seem the type who'd have kids. But man, she jumped into the deep end and hasn't looked back since. This is one of the f*ing funniest things I've ever read. And, yes, those are diapers on the kids' heads. Take it away, Michelle:

So, the other night I was putting out toothbrushes for the kids and listening to them giggle in the next room. Then I heard one of them say to the other one, "OK, now you smell my butt." I rounded the corner to find pretty much what you'd expect: both of them naked and bent over, one presenting and the other inhaling.

This is how I found myself standing in my own home, shouting "No Butt Sniffing" with great vehemence. My two children cocked their heads at me, bemused. Smiles twitched at the corners of their mouths. Mommy is so funny when the veins stick out in her neck. "No butt sniffing." I said it again, like it might be less absurd, more serious the second time. "It's a rule."

That really is the bottom of the barrel, in parenting terms. Announcing that something's a rule. That's what I do all day, I make up rules. Don't pee on your sister. No fingers in the butt. Don't break that, don't throw that, don't touch that, don't lick that. (An admonition that is always, invariably followed by: STOP licking
that.) Sometimes I hear a commotion in the next room and I start shouting KNOCK IT OFF and waving my arms in the air, even though I can't see what's going on. I run toward them yelling, no, no, no, and
secretly I'm steeling myself. How grossed out am I prepared to be
right now? How much wine is left in the fridge? And then when I find
them spitting down the necks of the dolls they've behedded, and I
yank the toys away, the kids are truly mystified. Sammie says, "Oh,
all right," which she says just as Elmer Fudd would.
Yep, that's my job around here, bringing the party down.

Blog Action Day

2007-10-15T21:49:00.000-07:00

Apparently today was Blog Action Day. Everyone who publishes a blog was encouraged to write about something that relates to the environment. Since I'm late to today's game, and I'm sure there have been a zillion posts that are more clever and more informed than mine could ever be, I'm going to write about the Brandy Alexander.

I was asked to make this a few weeks back at Vito on a Saturday night. I wasn't sure how to make it but George, one of the waiters (the gruffest of the bunch), used to be a bartender so he walked me through it. There was much discussion about whether or not to use the light or the dark Creme de Cacao. As I look it up on the web now, it seems to go either way. That night I made it with dark Creme de Cacao. Also, I didn't shake and strain it, but put a few ice cubes in alcohol and milk and blended it! All in all, it tasted kind of like a coffee shake.

We don't make many blended drinks at Vito. Mostly martinis and wine. I'm pretty sure my Brandy Alexander customer's first few sips were nothing but dust and old margarita mix. Maybe that's why she ordered three.

A Philly Wedding

2007-10-11T10:37:00.000-07:00

I mentioned a few weeks back that I was too busy to post due to work, weddings, etc. Well, at long last, here are some pictures from my niece Krista's, wedding. All pictures are courtesy of my sister in law and renowned family photographer, Colleen.

Krista is my oldest brother Jim's oldest daughter. Here they both are trying not to cry as they walk down the aisle.
Here they are in a more relaxed moment before the reception.
Before the wedding I went to my mother's room to borrow some hairspray. She was tucked into her full-body girdle/body armor and was rolling around like a full tick trying to get her even more control top pantyhose on.

Once she got dressed, we slid her into the limo where she sat waiting to be pushed out. Here we are in the back seat of the limo.
My mother's date for the weekend was my cousin Paul. He was a good sport all weekend long doing whatever my mother wanted. However, in this picture he looks like he's being hijacked by my mobster brothers.
Colleen insists that the next picture is of one of the Baldwins, Chris Noth and George Clooney. I see the three dorks who tortured me most in my youth.
In all my pictures I try to keep my chin down, my cheeks in and my head tilted to minimize any double chin-ature. Here are Colleen and my mother not succeeding at the pose.
The Wedding Party.
The Bride and Groom (after a few cocktails, obviously).
The Bridesmaids rolled up to the church in a stretch Hummer. Here's me & Sam pretending like it's ours.
By the end of the night, I finally got to dance with the bride. I taught her the "Crank That" dance by Souljah Boy. It could catch on to be the new chicken dance.
For those of you who don't know the "Crank That" dance. It's time to learn.

Absolut Ruby Red

2007-10-10T20:40:00.000-07:00

I bought a bottle of this stuff earlier today at work. Erica and I were sitting around waiting for something to do and we asked if we could run to the store for a minute. Being that there was nothing to do, Kenny, our boss, gave us permission to go. Erica (that's her in the picture to the left) and I headed straight to Vons for some cocktail mixings. We thought about Prosecco but Vons didn't carry it. Then I spied the Absolut Ruby Red. I've always been curious about it mainly because I liked the name. I'm not really a fan of grapefruit but I was certain we could make a decent cocktail from this. Erica was on board. We then headed to the juice aisle where I thought I'd get some grapefruit juice and some soda water to mix with the vodka. Erica pushed me toward the "light" juice. Always a fan of fewer calories, I took the bait.

We went back to the office to mix our cocktails but as we were walking up the stairs from her car we were distracted by the beauty of some man standing outside our stage. We immediately dropped our groceries and headed to the nearest and most discreet window so we could spy on this specimen. Turns out we had to run all the way over to the Girlfriends office to see who this dude was who was keeping us from the drink. Rick Fox. Now I know many of you think of Rick Fox as some played out old cornball, but I gotta tell you this man is a stone cold fox. I couldn't believe it. Anyway, after making an excuse to go down to stage to get a better look at The Fox, we came back upstairs to make our Ruby Red cocktail.

The drink we settled on:
1 1/ oz Absolut Ruby Red
2oz Soda Water
Splash light Ruby Red Grapefruit juice

It was not so great. There was kind of a gross after taste that I blamed on Erica's "light" grapefruit juice. We tried to jazz it up with what we had in the 'fridge. We found some pomegranate juice. That definitely took the edge off but it still wasn't right. It was missing a layer. It was missing the ingredient that makes you want to drink 16 of them. We powered through nonetheless and drank.

When I got home I looked online for Absolut's mixer suggestions and nothing really caught my eye. So I'm opening it up to my reader: any suggestions on a good mixer for Absolute Ruby Red Vodka?

An Excellent Showing

2007-10-09T14:40:00.000-07:00

I had an excellent showing at Vito this past Saturday. At one point every seat at the bar (minus one) was filled with my friends. A big shout out to the Drim-Cahoons for stopping by and dragging the Sherer-Weissman's with them. Mainstays, Kerri and Sam, anchored the night while semi-regulars Stacey and Cowan enjoyed a lovely dinner at the bar. The big surprise of the night was the impropmtu "Burn" reunion (minus Stamos). All my ladies from Burning Man stopped by after a long day at a baby shower. Maura, Nancy and Linda came a little later than everyone else but stayed until I finished cleaning up. While at the bar, they managed to come up with no less than five reality shows to pitch to NBC. It's time to build the Burn Dynasty. Just in time for the writer's strike.

Barney

2007-10-04T20:47:00.001-07:00

This is Barney. He was a friend's dog who passed away today. He was also one of the sweetest dogs I ever met. And given his size, I think he was a mix between a malamute and a horse.

Tell Daphne, Woody and Sandy we said "Hi" when you get to Rainbow Bridge. Let them know Brady will be there soon. Here's a picture of me and Brady dancing.

Happy Birthday, Lisa!

2007-10-04T13:42:00.000-07:00

Today is Lisa Ricci Casparriello's birthday. She's my oldest (as in longest) friend. We met when I was around almost 3. She was 6. I ran outside in my diaper and begged her to play with me. She was like a big sister to me. She was the first person to tell me I needed a bra. She always made me be Kate Jackson so she could be Jacklyn Smith when we played Charlie's Angels. And she was the first person to turn me on to Woody Allen movies. What more could you ask for in a sister?

Happy Birthday, Lisa. I hope it's a good one.

I'll post a picture of her when I get home from work.

A Generous Pour

Samantha

It's Been Way Too Long...

Paul's New Yorker Piece

Shouts & Murmurs

Stump Speech

by Paul Simms July 28, 2008

August Grimstad

My Third Career

For Russ

New Job

The Other Larry Bean

Big News in Boston

Vito Check In

A List To Catch Us Up To Speed

Computer Down

Quickie

Weigh In Week 4

Weigh In Week 3

Mapping My Workout

Working Out For Weigh Ins

Weigh In Week 2

Weigh In Week 1

Weigh In Postponed

One Reason To Love L.A.

Maximum Density

Best Toast Ever!

The Best Wedding Ever!

Happy Anniversary, Husband!

April Fool's Day

Another TV Debut

Bunny's TV Debut

Easter '08

Steve Austin

StepDogger Scores 2050 On SATs

444 Redux

StepDogger Takes The SATs.

The Latest Bean Addition

I Want One.

Not So Generous Pour?

Bully Tactics

Hilarious

It's Over

For Patriots' Fan

Rick - The Pickle Man

LOST

The Face Pose

Carrot Cake

I Love Sarah Silverman

Step Monster

Blogger's Block

Tahoe

Plugging Another Blog

Portrait of the Birthday Boy

Happy Birthday, Larry!

4:44

Introducing August Amiram Grimstad!

More Ski Stories

Computer Down

Tlapazola 1 - Ellen Bean 0

Park City, Utah.

Back On The Line

100th Post!

test

I Love the Potentail of a Full Martini

Christmas Eve

The Drink That Never Dies.

No More Sony

It's Been Over a Week...

All About Eve

Rumors

Clean Up Day

RIP Mr. E. Knievel

Amendment to the Walk Of Shame

The Walk of Shame

PICKET LINE ENVY

A Clarification

A New Strike Routine

Back On The Line

My Trip To NYC